


Before Destiny

by lomelindi



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Before Dishonor, Chakotay’s a wreck, Delta quadrant reminiscing, Destiny, F/M, Grieving, Janeway Lives!, KJ is awesome, Post-Endgame, Stuck in a cave, This Thing Has Everything, happy ending..but it takes a while, major character death...but not really, non-canon AU, shuttle crash, the Q aren’t terrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25683931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lomelindi/pseuds/lomelindi
Summary: Post-endgame. We're back on Voyager with Chakotay, Tom, and Harry ...and a new science officer named Sarah O'Malley. The Federation is still recovering from the Dominion War and a nearly successful attempt by the Borg to assimilate Earth - an attempt which cost the life of one of Starfleet's finest. ...but there's something about this new ensign. Definitely more than  meets the eye.This is a Pocket Book series add-on. While it might be helpful to have a sense of the book narrative (released ten years ago or so) to know what is going on, this should be easy enough to follow either way. Just know that Janeway gets herself into trouble and as usual, she's much better/more interested in saving the galaxy than saving herself.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 16
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR SPOILERS if you care to read the non-canon novels. This is an AU story created after "Before Dishonor." This does not take into account the events in Star Trek "Destiny" or "Full Circle." Written to make sure KJ is living and breathing for all eternity.

The woman once known as Kathryn Janeway gazed out to a horizon filled with crashing waves. It was nearing dark and the view of the planet's moon reflected off the water as deep blue and purple hues danced across the sky. A gentle breeze blew through loose strands of her hair and the air became somewhat cooler with nightfall, but not unpleasantly so. The temperature was ideal, as was the view. In a word, her surroundings were nothing short of _perfection_. Shivering at the use of that particular term, she sat on the beach and slowly let a handful of sand sift through her fingers.

The look in her eyes, like the ideal environment she found herself in, was lacking depth - without warmth or substance. Those eyes which once had the ability to pierce through an enemy's very soul, were now but a shadow of their former potency. She briefly wondered if her colleagues would recognize her and then remembered - they would never have the chance.

"Wanna go check out the caves of the Mordalla system? There's humanoid bones. You can do a bunch of experiments and stuff."

"Not today." With a very small hint of annoyance, she directed the otherwise monotone response at the being that interrupted her musings.

"C'mon, Aunt Kathy. You can't stay here forever."

A moment passed, and then without re-directing her gaze, she continued the argument. "Time is... _irrelevant_." 

"Well then maybe ‘now' isn't ‘today' anymore as much as it is ‘tomorrow' which means that ‘today' will be the day to go hang around the dirty, grimy caves of the Mordalla system looking for primate skeletons!" 

He answered enthusiastically, with logic he expected would make a Vulcan stand up and cheer...if they did that sort of thing, and for a moment, her anger flared. She turned around to look at the anxious q that stood before her and noticed he was not unlike any child exuding excitement at the prospect of pleasing an elder. The rage evaporated and she let out a slow sigh. 

"I know what you're trying to do and I appreciate it. I just don't think I'm quite ready."

His bright eyes deflated as she returned her attention to a spot of no special significance resting on the horizon. 

Sitting down a respectable distance from where she was perched, q chose his words carefully before he spoke. Indeed she did teach him a thing of two when his father left the ‘problem child' on Voyager for his Godmother to deal with so long ago.

"Is there anything I can do to make you smile again?"

She looked at him once more, moved to see the sincerity in his eyes. Reaching out to place a hand on his, and gracing him with a sympathetic grin, she asked for the one thing she was sure she could never have. 

"Let me go home."

He looked at her for a long minute. In slow motion he lifted his hand,

...and snapped his fingers. 

She disappeared and q took her place meditating on the horizon. 

"Mom and Dad are going to kill me."

_________________________________

Kathryn immediately realized she had left the Continuum. 

After spending an indeterminable amount of time in the after-life waiting room, as she liked to call it, anticipating the return of Lady Q, she had learned how to manipulate the endless white surroundings with her mind and the ‘waiting room' almost like a mental Holodeck simulation. Since her most abrupt demise, she had learned that her soul (which truth be known, she was still trying to figure out if she believed in it or not) could not be returned to the life that she once knew. Lady Q had prophetically mentioned something about not being able to go back and rather, going forward to her ‘destiny.' But as it was with the Q, the whole statement was amidst a mumble-jumble of utter nonsense that Kathryn couldn't begin to decipher in her present state. All she knew was that she was stuck there until the omnipotent goddess descended from her lofty throne to impart additional unnecessary words of wisdom.

It was very surprising then, that the moment Kathryn left her little piece of fabricated paradise, she felt the very familiar sensations of a transporter.

"Is everything alright, Ensign?"

Kathryn's head suddenly felt like a warp core. She lifted her fingers to the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes for a moment. 

_Ensign_? 

Slowly opening her eyes, she tried to focus on the lieutenant standing at the controls who appeared fairly nervous as he looked at her waiting for a reply.

"What happened?" Kathryn asked, not recognizing her higher and dare she think, youthful voice.

"I'm not quite sure. You're pattern suddenly became erratic halfway through the transport. I'm running a diagnostic now before anyone else comes aboard. Perhaps you should visit sickbay?"

She hadn't made it back from the Delta Quadrant without mastering the art of thinking on her feet. 

"Thanks. I think I just might do that."

Her head seemed a bit clearer and her feet moved without faltering until she reached the edge of the transporter pad. It was a place she knew very, very well. 

The walls of _Voyager's_ transporter room were all she saw before she lost consciousness.

______________________________

She woke to the sound of beeping monitors. Even before opening her eyes, Kathryn kept still, using the time to align the pieces of the somewhat obvious puzzle together.

Her omnipotent godson sent her back to reality. But it didn't seem exactly like _her_ reality - the fact that she was referred to as an ensign was a dead giveaway of that. But even from the sterile smell of sickbay it was obvious that she was on _Voyager_. She risked cracking open an eye for a moment and confirmed her suspicions by the familiar lights overhead. Glancing down, she took note of the black and gray she wore, keeping with the correct trends of current Starfleet uniforms. Out of her sleeves, she was able to discern the teal-blue color of a science officer.

"Seems our patient is awake! I'm sure you weren't planning on spending your first day asleep in sickbay."

Now opening her eyes fully, she saw the face of a friend, Dr. Jarem Kaz. The Trill doctor had been an instrumental addition to her former senior staff when the _Voyager_ crew ran into difficulties upon their return home from the Delta Quadrant. When Chakotay was promoted and offered command of _Voyager_ , Jarem became the ship's CMO to the delight of both Chakotay and Kathryn.

Not surprisingly, he didn't recognize her. 

"No, this wasn't quite what I had in mind."

"Well, everything looks okay. The transporter ride certainly didn't agree with you. But the effects were short-term and you just needed a little rest. You're cleared for duty as soon as you feel up to it."

"I feel much better now. Thank you, Doctor." 

After adding the information to the medical log, he looked up at Kathryn with a comforting smile. "Well, you know where you can find me, should you have any lingering adverse effects."

Nodding her thanks, she jumped off the biobed and headed for the doors to the corridor.

"Oh, Ensign."

She spun around faster than she should have and started to feel a bit queasy. 

"Yes, Sir?"

"Commander Paris asked to see you when you were discharged." Upon seeing the question in her eyes he added, "Don't worry, I think he just wanted to welcome you aboard." 

"Of course, Doctor." She gave a half-smile back and headed out the door. 

She made quite sure the corridor on Deck Five was deserted before demanding answers with a quiet, forceful voice. 

"Computer: what is my name and rank?"

"Sarah O'Malley, Ensign"

"What is my position on _Voyager_?"

"Science officer"

"Where are my quarters?"

"Deck 9, Section 32"

Kathryn headed for the turbolift. 

"Deck 9."

Her quarters offered the smallest bit of living space on the ship, but she grateful to have a cabin to herself. She made her way over to the modest workstation, tapped the consul pulling up her service record, and rambled through the information aloud.

"Ensign Sarah O'Malley; born 2358 Baltimore, Maryland; graduated from Starfleet Academy 2380; concentrations in Quantum Mechanics and Molecular Biology; currently assigned to _USS_ _Voyager_ ; Captain: Chakotay; XO: Commander Thomas Eugene Paris... I'm a completely different person..."

"You're welcome. Although, I'm not sure if I should have sent you to _Voyager_ but you did say you wanted to go home."

She should be angry. Her first instinct was tell the whole Continuum to leave her alone and stuff her destiny where the sun doesn't shine. But here she stood. _Alive_. And if that wasn't enough, she was on her ship with dear friends, and doing what she loved to do.

"I'm not going to lie to you." She paused to look around the gray, personality-less room and then back at where he stood. A tentative smile on her face. "It does feel good to be here."

Q was a tad shocked but tried his best to hide it. 

"However, I'm concerned about what might result from creating Starfleet personnel out of thin air."

"You're not being created out of thin air! Sure, your name and personal history were, but you are still you."

"But I'm _not_." The words burst from her mouth but she wasn't sure she could understand it herself. "I'm here...with Chakotay and Tom and probably half of my old crew...in _my_ ship, but it's not _me_. They're all living their lives - thinking Kathryn Janeway was assimilated and blown to bits. Even if I could, I'm not sure I would want to convince them otherwise. What if they get suspicious by my more obvious mannerisms...or speech patterns? We spent seven years together! And what happens when your mother or father decides to whisk me off to a new adventure? How will Sarah O'Malley's sudden disappearance affect the crew and their mission?"

Q started looking sick near the end of her tirade.

"You didn't tell your parents, did you q."

He shrugged his shoulders and sported his best puppy dog pout. "I meant to. Don't worry. I'll take the blame for all that. Just, enjoy doing all your sciencey stuff. If they decide this is a really bad idea, Mom and Dad will just change everything back to the way it was. No harm done."

"I'm still not sure this is wise."

"Aunt Kathy, you're smart. I'll be close by. If you decide that something is really wrong about this, just call me and I'll take you back and fix everything. Okay?"

She paused for a moment and then to his complete shock, she nearly whispered, "Alright."

"Good. Now have fun and remember you can't boss anyone around anymore."

And with that, he was gone. 

Kathryn could do little more than stare at the spot where q just stood until she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror and curiosity prompted her to walk closer. Obviously of Irish decent, a few freckles graced the cheeks around her nose. She had medium-length blond hair and fair skin. But Sarah O'Malley's eyes, she chucked, were exactly the same as Kathryn Janeway's - blue-gray in color with a little sparkle. Standing tall, she immediately took notice of her increased height but still delicate figure. 

"Not bad q," she said smiling. "Not bad at all."

She took a deep breath and tapped her combadge. "Jane.."

_Woops._

"O'Malley to Paris"

_"Paris here."_

"Sir," She grinned. "Dr. Kaz mentioned that you wanted to see me. I was wondering if now is a suitable time?"

_"Now is good, Ensign. I'm in the captain's ready room. Do you know the way?"_

"I do. I'm on my way."

_"We'll be here. Paris out."_

_The ready room with Chakotay and Tom._

She absent-mindedly wiped down the front of her uniform. "Great. Well, _O'Malley_... might as well get this over with."

And with that, she walked out of her quarters and to the turbolift.

_________________________________________

"You be good for your mother while I'm gone."

Tom was holding the little toddler every second he could. While he was grateful to be XO of the ship where he fell in love and married her mother - the ship they called home for seven years, and where Miral was born, it didn't soothe the piercing pain he felt every time he had to say goodbye. Especially this time. Over the past few weeks he turned to B'Elanna to cope with the seemingly endless heartache caused by the death of Kathryn Janeway. 

Captain Chakotay was not so lucky. He immersed himself in his work and save for the memorial service, politely refused any social invitations from the Paris family...or anyone else. After kissing the little girl goodbye and trying his best to smile, the Captain returned to his position at the viewport of the Ready Room to watch the ships dock at McKinley station. He was anxious to see stars streak by once again.

"Hey."

His posture was stiff - his arms folded across his chest. But with the calm, soothing voice of B'Elanna, his chiseled expression softened a bit. Following her lead, he opened his arms for an apprehensive hug. Far too many embraces had been given and received lately and he questioned whether the gesture at this point, was remotely sincere. 

"Hang in there, Chakotay."

Her grasp tightened around him. He hadn't allowed himself to cry since he learned of Kathryn's death but if he permitted tears, they surely would fallen in B'Elanna's embrace. Although he appreciated her affection, he remained numb.

"I'll be fine."

Ending the hug but still holding his hands, it occurred to her that Janeway would have said something similar.

"I know. But if you ever want to talk, you know where I'll be."

It was at that moment that the door chime sounded and Tom seeing Chakotay with his wife, took it upon himself to call for admittance.

Kathryn stepped through the threshold of her former ready room to see little Miral with her father. She gave them a warm smile.

"Ensign O'Malley. Sorry, we're just saying our goodbyes. I'm Commander Paris and this is our Ensign Paris-in training."

Tom shifted his daughter to his left arm to free up a hand to shake Kathryn's. Miral buried her head in her father's neck.

Kathryn's eyes almost filled with tears watching Tom with his daughter. 

"It's a pleasure to meet both of you."

It had been over a year since she was able to see Miral last and she had grown a great deal in that time. Not for the first time since she had died was she acutely aware of how much she had missed while devoting her whole life to Starfleet. But before she was able to continue that line of thought, her attention was drawn to the woman reluctantly letting go of Chakotay's hands and making her way from the upper level.

"And this is my wife, Lieutenant Commander B'Elanna Torres." Gesturing to Kathryn, "Ensign O'Malley."

"Very nice to meet you, Ensign. We're on our way out, just wanted to get in one last goodbye."

With a genuinely kind smile Kathryn answered B'Elanna's obvious concern for a lack of protocol. 

"Extenuating circumstances. I understand completely."

B'Elanna gave a look of subdued frustration which Kathryn translated to mean that she had no right to assume how they might be feeling after recent events. But she simply said, "Yes. Well, we should be going." She glanced at Chakotay once more, who had turned back to face the viewport. After giving Tom a deep hug, she collected her daughter, and made her way out of the room.

Tom stared at the door as it closed, but recovered quickly as he lead Kathryn toward the Captain.

"And this...is Captain Chakotay."

As the two approached, Chakotay turned around slowly and took one step forward.

Then stopped dead in his tracks. 

For seconds, he said nothing - just stared into O'Malley's eyes. But then forced himself to recover, attempting a smile as he addressed her. "Good to meet you Ensign O'Malley. Welcome to _Voyager._ "

After working and living so closely for seven years, Kathryn knew this man. And he just sent her a look that made her Klaxons blare. There was a bit too much confidence for an officer on her first mission, as was evident by her chin lifting and a measured reply. 

"Thank you. Sir. I'm grateful to be here."

Then nothing. They just stared at each other, dumbfounded. Finally Paris, unable to deal with the thick tension in the room, stepped in.

"Well, you've already had a fun first day. Why don't you get some rest and you'll be on duty tomorrow morning at 0700?"

"Thank you sir, I'm looking forward to it." She answered Paris without taking her eyes away from Chakotay.

She smiled then, and turned around slowly. Kathryn almost make it to the door when Chakotay's voice stopped her.

"Have a good night, Ensign."

She turned slightly, tilted her head to the side and produced a classic Janeway half-smile. "Yes, Captain. You too." Then nodding to the befuddled Paris, she made her way out the door.

Chakotay stared at her receding steps as the door closed behind her.

"What was that all about?"

Tom immediately noticed a slight decrease in the number of shadows that had been in Chakotay's eyes just a few minutes before. They were, however, replaced with utter confusion.

"I honestly don't know."

The moment was lost when a small sparkling object caught Tom's eye on the floor where Chakotay had been standing. 

"Did O'Malley drop this?" He asked as he bent to grab a small ring from the Ready Room floor. There was a blue stone in a delicate silver setting unlike anything Tom had ever seen before. 

He looked up to see Chakotay panicked as he pulled the broken chain out from his uniform. He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. As Tom put the pieces together, Chakotay confirmed his suspicions.

"It was still pretty new. No one knew that we were getting...closer." 

Chakotay's voice was distant as if to disconnect himself from the situation, making it quite obvious as to just how deep his feelings ran. He held up the ring that Tom had handed to him and stared at it. "I know it's old fashioned, but I thought she would have appreciated the gesture. I was going to ask the next time I saw her."

Tom stood ramrod straight and speechless. Watching the relationship evolve, the whole crew had been disappointed to see it reach the deep-devoted friend stage and never stray past that point. Never, in his wildest dreams did he have any clue that had changed. But the shimmer of excitement at the implications of this revelation was replaced with a new level of sadness when the reality of the situation painfully reasserted itself. 

"Did she know?" Tom hesitantly asked.

Chakotay's tightly coiled emotions were beginning to unravel and he took a deep breath to keep his composure before quietly answering.

"How much she meant to me?" His eyes became distant like he was actually getting the information second hand from her. "I hope so. ...About this?" He held the ring up to eye level and stared with unfocused eyes. "She never will."

"Chakotay." Tom shook his head slightly and had his captain been looking at him, he would easily catch film of tears in Tom's eyes. "I am so sorry."

Chakotay mirrored his would-be fiancée's crooked grin. Without saying another word, he slowly walked the length of the room and placed the ring on his desk. As he turned to once again take his place at the viewport, he tapped his combadge.

"Chakotay to transporter room one."

" _Ensign Larsen here, sir."_

"Ensign, there's an item on my desk. It's made of primarily silver and an element listed as DNE425. Lock on and transport it to outside of the hull." 

Tom stood there wanting to plead with him not to go through with this, but he was unable to compose one good argument against his decision. 

"Energize."

He watched helplessly as the symbol of Chakotay's love for Kathryn Janeway disappeared off his desk in a shimmer of blue light.

"Assemble the senior staff, we'll meet in the briefing room in ten minutes and then commence with departure."

Chakotay did not see Tom's clouded gaze as he quietly replied.

"Yes, sir."

____________________________________

He was sitting on the outside _Voyager's_ hull when he saw it: a small, glimmer of light appeared not far away from where he sat. He never would have noticed if he hadn't expected it - if he hadn't been _waiting_ to retrieve it. He half-wondered if he should save the twits some time and just go in there and rip it out of their pathetic grasps. But he waited instead, letting the drama play out. Regardless, this was for her - not them. He held out a hand as the ring floated into his palm. He closed his hand into a fist, snapped his fingers and then he, too vanished in a flash of light.

________________________________________

_Great. Just Great._

She tore across the Bridge and into the turbolift only briefly noticing that Harry Kim sat in the command chair.

She waited for the turbolift doors to close.

"Deck 9. I'm not Kathryn Janeway. I'm not Kathryn Janeway. I'm not Kathryn Janeway."

It became her mantra as the lift made its way to the appointed floor. 

She looked at Chakotay and immediately read him like a book - a dear, cherished book that she knew so well she could recite in her sleep. He hadn't slept in weeks. He lost weight, but there was more than that. The sparkle in his eye, the sensitive expression, his calming presence - he was hurting and there was nothing she could do about it. In fact, without being too presumptuous, she could assume she was the _cause_ of it. She was fighting the tears collecting in her eyes. 

Just for an unguarded second, she had let her resolve drop and Kathryn beamed through. No one would have recognized it unless, of course, you just happened to be her best friend. 

And boy did he ever notice. 

She finally reached her quarters which had by some miracle, been furnished with a replicator.

"Coffee. Black."

The replicator produced a disappointing chirp in response.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me."

After _Voyager_ had returned from the Delta Quadrant, the entire ship had been dissected, studied, and reassembled. What were the chances her replicator-with-a-grudge made it into her new quarters? She laughed at the ridiculous thought and then laying both hands aside she bent down to talk to the offending heap of metal.

"How did you figure out it was me?"

"Must be your charming personality."

She made a 180 degree turn and was practically nose to nose with a much more familiar Q. 

"I was wondering when you would show up."

"It's so nice to see you too, Kathy."

"Sorry. It's just been a bad day."

"You could come back with me."

"Is that why you're here?"

"No. I thought junior's little idea of keeping you distracted until they are ready for you was ingenious. I'm not sure I would have dropped you in the middle of your old ship, but he was always ready to please...much before I ever am, anyway."

"Until who is ready for me, exactly?"

"Now, now Kathy. Don't get all excited. It will all be explained in due time. Until then I'm assuming you want to remain here on the Titanic?"

She nodded, biting her tongue to prevent a rebuttal to come hurling out of her mouth.

"Good, good. Oh, but I do have something for you. For Kathryn Janeway, that is. Not for Sarah O'Malley, you understand."

She started to roll her eyes until he opened his hand and saw the ring. The stone looked remarkably familiar. It reminded her of the polished stones she had found on the bank of the river on the planet she and Chakotay had so affectionately named, New Earth so long ago. She returned to the shelter one day with the few she could find. Chakotay had made a comment about the deep blue resembling the color of her eyes. Tears were threatening again as she directed her gaze back to Q.

"Where did you get this?" she asked as she delicately lifted the ring from Q's outstretched palm.

"Captain Chuckles had it transported into space. The things people throw away these days."

And with a flash he was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

At the end of the day, Kathryn could be found sitting alone in a darkened messhall. 

After spending the evening disassembling and reassembling her replicator with the same unfortunate conclusion, she resorted to desperate measures in order to acquire her much needed cup of coffee. There wasn't really any other reason to be resurrected without coffee...well, almost no other reason. But his presence was ironically the reason she so needed the coffee to begin with.

"With a shot of whisky," she commented to herself out loud. 

Lifting the mug to her lips she took a sip and sighed. Just what the doctor ordered. No. No, the Doctor would refuse to let her get anywhere near this stuff considering what she's been through. 

Her mind began to drift as she idly wondered if Voyager's EMH would be able to tell Kathryn Janeway was hiding underneath the facade of a green ensign. He would be able to see deeper than common tangible characteristics, detecting things that organic beings rarely considered - vocabulary, body language, facial expressions...

He'd know who she was. 

"And what would the harm be?"

...what would be the harm in simply telling Chakotay the truth?

_Chakotay...I'm Kathryn._ Yeah. He'd probably put her on report. 

Reason for reprimand? 

"Insensitive, bitch-like behavior."

She shook her head. And what if he did believe her? Eventually, she'd have to leave... It would be better then, if he didn't know she was there at all. She couldn't imagine hurting him again. 

"...so I stay incognito."

And if he sees through the mask?

"He won't."

She sighed.

"Oh Chakotay..."

_______________________________________

_Chakotay turned off the lights in the living area and started walking in the direction of his bedroom._

_It was such a nice evening - a meeting wherein the word "nice" can be truly appreciated as an adjective and yet it doesn't remotely begin to encompass what it represents._

_Pure and simple, it was a dinner shared with his best friend and yet, something was different tonight. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but as he gazed into her eyes sparkling in the candle light, the warmth he had for her in his heart ignited into a much more powerful flame. The possibility had crossed his mind a lonely night or two since they arrived home, but tonight the answers to his questions were confirmed. Heart, mind, and soul he had fallen in love with Kathryn Janeway all over again. In the comfort of the Alpha quadrant, perhaps he now would be able to show her the depth of that love._

_She didn't want to leave - that much he knew - but she ran out of reasons to excuse the fact that she was keeping him up dreadfully late before he departed on a three month mission. After dinner and a night cap, followed by another cup of coffee, she finally stood to leave._

_While Kathryn allowed him to help her with her raincoat, he fought the urge to wrap his arms around her from behind right then. He did pull her shoulder-length hair from inside the collar almost reverently, and she shuddered as he tenderly let it fall through his fingers and onto her back._

_She turned to him, her eyes slowly rising until they finally met his own._

_"Thank you, Chakotay...for another wonderful dinner. You know you spoil me."_

_"You're a Starfleet admiral. I would say it's much more of a bribe."_

_She laughed. "Oh stop!" she said as she lightly swatted his arm. "If my influence meant a damned thing you wouldn't be leaving me tomorrow."_

_The Freudian slip silenced them both as her pulse increased._

_"Well," she began sheepishly, "I should let you get some rest. Promise me you'll take good care of_ Voyager _."_

_"Always, Kathryn." He paused for a moment and then added, "Promise me you'll take care of her real Captain."_

_"Oh no, she's all yours now."_

_"Never. I'm just babysitting."_

_She chuckled again and then hesitantly turned toward the door. Stopping short of activating it, she turned again to meet his eyes._

_"Sweet dreams..."_

_He made his way around the back of the sofa, leaning on it for strength as he replied._

_"You too."_

_He watched her walk through the door, and there he stood - for a good ten minutes until his mind was clear enough to remind his feet how to walk. Grabbing the two empty mugs from the table, he set them on the kitchen counter, and headed towards his bedroom. He almost made it there when a chime signaled another visitor. He turned around and called for admittance before he reached his living area._

_The light from the hallway spilled into his darkened apartment and for a moment, no one so much as cast a shadow from outside his door._

_She entered then, focused on nothing but the ground in front of her. Stopping, she took a deep breath and then turned to meet his awaiting eyes._

_"I was wondering...If I might stay..."_

_Chakotay looked at her face. Emotions that he long thought he would never see directed at him were exposed on the surface of her features - not only longing mixed with a hint of lust, but apprehension, humility, and fear._

_This couldn't actually be happening. Perhaps he had fallen asleep at some point and the vision before him was another twist on the primary subject of his dreams for the past eight years. Here, Kathryn Janeway stood just inside his door shyly asking for admittance into his bed. He answered her with simple honestly._

_"I really wish you would."_

_She took a hesitant step or two and then stopped once again. "Chakotay...I'm going to need a little help here..."_

_He understood her plea for guidance in this unknown territory and crossed the room to where she stood, gently reaching for her hand and tenderly caressing her fingers with his thumb._

_"Just tell me what you want, Kathryn. Either is yours to take - the comforting embrace of a friend, or..." His eyes turned down to their laced fingers and his voice lowered to no more than an affectionate whisper. “Or...something else?"_

_Her heart pounded and her chest dramatically rose and fell with one shuddering breath. Words escaped her, and so one soft whisper was all she could manage as she glanced up to see his reaction._

_"Chakotay..."_

_And with that she threw herself into his arms. They held one another - hands, arms, faces, attempting to make the greatest amount of contact, neither one really knowing where one ended and the other began. Her right check lovingly rubbed against his - closer and closer until the corner of their lips touched. And for a moment they stilled, breathing one another's air. Tilting their heads ever so slightly, the world fell into place. The tenderness of the first kiss then gave way to a sudden storm of passion._

_It was broken far too soon by the sound of her laughter. Still locked in an embrace, foreheads resting on one another, Chakotay smiled slightly when he questioned her._

_"Kathryn?"_

_"I'm sorry," she said between chuckles. "I just..." she stopped laughing and looked into his eyes, her hand lightly playing with the hairs on the back of his neck. "It's a good laugh. I just can't believe this is really happening. ...I think I lost hope." Her head went back down, embarrassed by her admission._

_Two fingers tilted her chin back to his gaze. "I did too. I am happy to have you in my life in any way I can. I need you, Kathryn. But...I never stopped wishing that we'd be here some day."_

_"Oh I did a lot more than wished!" At his questioning look she continued. "I had more glasses of wine than I should have on quite a few occasions. I cried. I pouted like a child..." Her eyes slipped seductively to the side. "...Imagined up some fantasies to keep me company." When she looked to him again, she saw the look of raw desire and her playful demeanor vanished to be replaced by the spell of longing._

_"I had a few of those too. But now...they're all replaced by visions of this night."_

_"And the promise of tomorrow."_

_She closed her eyes and exhaled in defeat when she heard her own words and realized for the first time since she walked back into his apartment that he would be leaving her tomorrow. He held her close again and spoke quietly in her ear._

_"We have tonight...and we have forever. Every moment I have with you is a gift." He drew back and after giving her a head-to-toe calculating look, he swept her up into his arms._

_"What are you doing!" she squealed in between laughs as he carried her down the hallway._

_"Unwrapping my gift."_

________________________________________

Chakotay mindlessly toured the ship deck by deck. Sleep was consistently illusive, and the horrors that plagued his dreams on the few occasions when the oblivion of sleep was unavoidable, made him strangely grateful for the insomnia. Instead, he adopted another habit of his former captain - aimlessly wandering through the vessel they called home. The Starfleet-gray corridors served as an empty canvas, allowing his memories to be subconsciously projected onto the bland walls. 

His quarters had become a cell, holding him captive to the overwhelming feeling of emptiness that had taken residence in his heart these days. He went as far as to entertain the possibility of moving out of the captain's designated quarters to a cabin that housed far fewer memories. He was sure the scent of coffee assaulted his senses every time he entered the living area which, truth be known, had made him physically ill twice in the past month.

The pain was so close to the surface. And although he considered taking additional leave, he needed to be in space. She lived here. She died here. And so, this was where he belonged. 

Exiting the lift on deck two, he wished, not for the first time, that he would be greeted by a friendly Talaxian upon entering the mess hall. Kathryn would often stop by here as well during her many sleepless nights. He smiled when he thought how he'd find her sitting, staring out of the viewport at stars streaking by. Her silhouette would be just a shadow framed by the light. Her feet would be propped on the table in front of her, as she nursed the ever-present mug of...

He stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he entered the darkened mess.

There, sitting in a chair, was a woman drinking coffee and staring out at the stars. 

The mess hall doors did not alert her to his presence and so he hesitantly took a few more steps into the room but froze in place when the apparition reached a hand up and under the top of her turtleneck to massage the aching muscles at the base of her neck. 

Images of Kathryn, sitting in her quarters after a late night clouded over the present scene before him, and without realizing his voice was even functioning, he took a deep breath and exhaled in a whisper.

"Kathryn."

Kathryn's eyes went wide and she tensed at the sound of her whispered name. She looked in the viewport glass to see the reflection of Chakotay staring at her. She made a quick check of her own reflection - her blond hair stood out in the starlight. 

But he knew it was her. 

Elation and panic filled her. For him to see her so clearly regardless of her appearance, stirred her heart in a way she had never felt before. She was thrilled he knew her so intimately that her presence was apparent in the very way she held her coffee. However, the knowledge that she had let her guard down again so easily was...unsettling. She hadn't meant to, of course - she didn't even know that he had walked through the door. 

He was caught in a trance, seeing what he wanted to see, and waking him from the dream was her responsibility. With one word, she shattered the illusion. 

"Captain," she spoke quietly. Slowly, she stood to properly greet her superior officer and to gauge his reaction. Her eyes were wide open, wanting desperately to give him the small amount of comfort she could.

Though his expression initially showed a hint of alarm, his chin dropped - a technique she was guilty of executing when she needed a moment to collect herself. When he looked back up, he wore a faint grin on his face.

"Would you believe you reminded me of someone?"

She smiled openly at him now.

"I'll take that as a compliment, sir."

He laughed.

"At ease, Ensign." 

She delicately sat back down as he walked further into the mess hall. 

"You shouldn't. Her blatant disregard for her own health is legendary among her former crew."

"Especially you."

Chakotay looked at this subordinate and wondered why her brazen assumption didn't inspire a reprimand. 

"That's true."

He clasped his hands behind his back and walked up to the viewport.

"When there was storm on the horizon - one that caused negative apprehension to permeate every inch of this ship: a difficult negotiation, an impending Borg attack," he turned back to look at the Ensign, his ‘storyteller hat' firmly in place. "..when the Admiral ran out of rations for coffee - I'd often find her here while the ship slept. She was truly relaxed - feet up on the table, massaging the back of her neck, cradling a cup of coffee."

He paused, lost in memories.

"Maybe by finding somewhere neutral on the ship, she could forget that she was the Captain," Kathryn offered.

Chakotay laughed slightly and looked to the floor.

"You know, if you ever said that to her, you'd be scrubbing plasma manifolds. But there's truth in what you say." Turning now, he folded his arms and faced Sarah head on.

"Over the years Kathryn Janeway all but disappeared in to the persona of ‘the Captain.' She would say that she had to be on-call at all times - that she couldn't afford the luxury of relaxation. But it was more than that. I think she felt that it was easier that way. 

"We all dealt with the grief of losing family and friends and home. The 'Captain' didn't have those luxuries to lose - Kathryn did. And every time we would spend off-hours talking, laughing - the times when I saw the woman I..." he stopped short in mid-sentence. And then after mentally weighing the options for a moment, he continued. "The woman I loved...at the end of the evening, she'd become distant. 

"She tried to hide it and I let her believe that she had. Selfishly, I thought it was because she didn't want the evening to be over - that she was enjoying our time together. But I think it was more than that."

"After spending an enjoyable amount of time with you, perhaps she realized all that she had sacrificed. It was easier to be the captain than to love in a life filled with so much uncertainty."

She rose to join him at the viewport.

"And, in turn...by being ‘the Captain' it made it impossible to be with you the way she would have liked."

She turned from him and looked out at the stars.

"Catch 22," she concluded.

Chakotay turned and looked at her. Arms clasped behind her back, O'Malley stood straight and saw nothing, save for the lights passing by at warp speed. There was a sadness in her eyes, but she carried with her a great deal of strength - her shoulders firm and chin locked in place. She would be intimidating, he realized, as her career progressed. But she certainly wasn't intimidating when speaking with him, and the reason had nothing to do with command structure. Very few people knew how deep his feelings for Kathryn ran. Now this ensign was one of the few. His musings were interrupted by the sound of the mess hall door. 

Astall, the ship's counselor stood respectively at the entrance and was prompted to speak only after her Captain turned slowly to face her.

"Captain, my apologies for interrupting but I was wondering if I might have a word with you."

Chakotay turned to see Sarah still looking at the stars, but repressing a knowing laugh.

For a young ensign, she certainly saw this interruption for what it really was - a supreme effort made to pin down the commanding officer for a counseling session.

"If you would excuse me, Ensign."

"Of course, sir."

He made to follow Astall near the door and then slightly turned to look at Sarah O'Malley once again. For a moment he toyed with the notion of asking her to keep all he had said in the strictest confidence. But then she turned slightly to meet his gaze, one side of her mouth upturned, she gave him a confirming nod. 

He had nothing to worry about. 

He nodded back to her and left the mess hall with Astall.

_______________________________________

"Captain, I must be completely honest. I seriously question your fitness for duty at the present time."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"On the contrary. Not long ago Starfleet personnel were required to take time for bereavement purposes."

It was true. But Chakotay had requested that _Voyager_ be sent on the next available mission. The tally of high-ranking officers was still not what it once was before the Dominion war, so the admirality did not make an objection - not that they really had a basis on which to object as they had no concrete idea what Admiral Kathryn Janeway's affiliation was to her former First Officer.

They certainly had their suspicions though.

This Huanni had her suspicions, too. True, her Captain never came right out and professed his love, but her empathic skills filled in the blanks for the portions of the story he left out. 

In the elevated section of the Ready Room, the stars passed by at Warp speed. The Captain was difficult to schedule for an appointment, but Astall was usually able to find him wandering the ship at all hours of the evening. It seemed as if he wanted to spend less and less time in his quarters. As expected, she found him awake in the mess hall tonight. She firmly suggested they go back to his cabin or her office. He refused, requesting somewhere much more formal. 

And here he stood - hands clasped behind his back, looking absentmindedly outside the viewport. His demeanor was a complete contrast to how he appeared in the mess hall with Ensign O'Malley. He barely moved since they arrived.

"I need to be out here."

"Because Admiral Janeway died in space?"

"Because Kathryn _lived_ in space." Anger and aggression forcefully making its presence known. "She would want me to keep fighting the fight - to keep her hopes and dreams alive."

"Wouldn't she want you to take care of yourself? Move on with your life and accept that she's gone?"

"She's not gone." He began pacing now. "You don't understand what we saw out there. Hell, I _watched_ her die on a few occasions - saw the life leave her eyes as I held her in my arms. But she even beats death. 

"...woman has more lives than a cat."

"So you are remaining optimistic because there was no physical evidence of her death."

"Maybe?" Calming a bit, he slumped into a nearby chair and looked at Astall for the first time since they left the mess hall. "There hasn't been _emotional_ evidence of her death either." At her look of confusion, he continued. "I have no right to presume Kathryn and I are somehow linked but, I can't explain it - it feels like she is here."

"In this room?"

"No...yes? On this ship - in my life? In the past, the times I have spent without Kathryn were obvious - as if something was drastically wrong. And - I know you're going to say it's denial but - I just truly have the feeling that she's not gone."

Astall weighed a possible argument carefully. She knew Chakotay was a fiercely spiritual individual, and for her to mistakenly imply that his beloved friend had essentially crossed over, could exasperate the situation more. 

Maybe his beliefs should do the counseling for her.

"When is the last time you embarked on a vision quest?"

Chakotay caught her point. He couldn't find the courage since news of Kathryn's death, and was fully aware of the fact that this was due to the numbing fear that he would find her spirit there to greet him.

He smiled slightly and returned to his starlit vigil.

End of session.


	3. Chapter 3

_She slept through the night, safe in his arms while he spent his time watching her sleep. Eventually, he reluctantly pulled himself from a tangle of limbs and disengaged his alarm. Stealing one last glimpse at his future lying asleep under the covers, he couldn't help but chuckle. This tenacious woman who they had followed into battle and victory so many times, was now lightly snoring, enveloped tenderly in a cocoon of his blankets._

_When she woke, it was not to a standard Starfleet alarm, but to the sun flooding Chakotay's bedroom with light. She was disappointed to find him gone, but not surprised. Stretching, she reached over to grab his pillow, hoping to revisit even a bit of what she felt last night. What was that feeling - contentment, safety, warmth? ...completeness. For the first time in her life she felt like she was finally whole. She was less than shocked this revelation was inspired by Chakotay._

_She walked through his apartment blissfully excited to see every aspect of his life. She knew him well, but cherished this unguarded opportunity to casually stroll on his territory, taking as long as she needed to focus on each trinket, each picture, each memory._

_She reached her office late, and for the first time in her life, didn't have a professional explanation poised at the tip of her tongue to explain her tardiness._

_Last night was simply about Kathryn. No, she amended her thoughts - last night was about Kathryn and Chakotay. After sitting at her desk for about an hour doing little more than staring off into space, she reached into her pocket to read again the words he left her._

My Dearest Kathryn,

Last night was a revelation. You see, I had myself fully convinced that I knew everything about you. I knew your strength, your bravery, your courage, your compassion...but last night, I found myself looking into the eyes of a stranger. They were the same eyes that would guide me when I lacked focus, that would be my guiding light in a dark world filled with not only external conflicts, but internal battles as well. You were always my peace...and now you are so much more. For last night, I saw in your eyes the kind of magic that gives a poet words. Not only strength, but tenderness. Not just bravery, but surrender. And not courage - I saw no courage in your eyes last night, and it was all the more endearing. I saw fear - a genuine, beautiful fear that is evoked only when embarking on a journey that you and I are beginning. Something so profound, that everything I saw this morning was brighter, more vibrant. Never before have I been so inspired to be alive.

It seems as though I will have to live without you for a bit but I carry you with me even though I am so far away. 

With all my heart,

Chakotay

_She ran her fingers over the paper he took the time to write by hand. She slightly jumped when her terminal alerted her to an incoming call. She sighed and sat up as straight as she could given her starry-eyed attitude._

_Chakotay._

_In one swift movement her posture slumped again, and she leaned forward, narrowly catching her chin with her hand._

_"Hi."_

_It was a terrible opening but they were in the midst of an evolving relationship and even simple things like salutations were unsure._

_Chakotay seemed amused by her reaction - obviously initiated by cupid's arrow._

_And it was because of him._

"Hi."

_Kathryn shyly smiled._

_"I miss you already," she said as she touched his face on the viewscreen._

_He closed his eyes for a moment taking it all in._ "I miss you, too." _He laughed._ "It feels so good to say that. To actually tell you that...I miss you."

_She smiled but then looked down. "Chakotay I want to apologize," she looked at him once again. "For...stopping you last night."_

"Actually, I agree with your decision. This...what has always been between us...it would have been too much, too quickly. I want us to take the time we deserve. Trust your instincts, Kathryn. I always do."

_She shook her head, unrestrained tears beginning to form in her eyes. "I don't deserve you. After all we've been through together, to be here with you now..." Shaking her head again, she was at a loss for words that her next declaration slid involuntarily past her lips. "God I want you."_

_For a moment Chakotay just sat looking at her, amused at the way her eyes opened in shock at her own admission, but then her breathing deepened and her eyes were gazing at him in a way he never saw, never in his wildest dreams could he have so much as imagined._

_And he realized he was reflecting that same look back to her._

\----------------------------------------

When _Voyager_ was re-launched under Chakotay's command in 2378, most of the former crew had one request - that Sandrine's be included in the blueprints. More than simply a Holodeck simulation this time around, the ‘bar' resembled the _Enterprise's_ Ten Forward, with a colorful bartender Chakotay expected, could even make the original Sandrine blush deep scarlet.

Sandrine's wasn't too busy tonight. Most of the crew were preparing for an away mission the following day. A newly-inducted federation species had a severe over-population issue. Their M-class moon would make an ideal location for re-colonization, if it weren't for relentless plasma storms plaguing the surface. Voyager's mission was to find a suitable solution - either by protecting inhabitants from the storms or neutralizing the plasma storm threat entirely. 

Chakotay had been working alongside his science officer all week. Adapting to the storm's presence didn't seem like a viable option - even if protection from the physical aggressiveness was possible, the radioactive effects made long-term habitation improbable.

So they were opting for a more aggressive tactic - energy waves focused into the storm system, charging the plasma particles. The hope was that it would create a ripple-effect, forcing the storm out of the planet's atmosphere. In space, it would only be considered a mild nuisance. 

It was a late night, but neither the ship's science officer nor the Captain seemed tired. And truth be known, he was enjoying her company, relaxing in a way that he hadn't in what seemed like a long, long time. 

Chakotay paused to take a sip of his tea and looked around before continuing his story. 

"But we weren't _together,_ together that night."

Kathryn was sitting with a cup of coffee poised in front of her mouth. She looked at him, captivated by a story she knew so well. When he first began, she panicked. But due either to Chakotay's whimsical, poetic recitation, or let's face it - she loved this story, she forgot that she knew it, forgot that it featured her, and simply let her mind drift back to that night. 

She didn't stop him, and was careful not to comment. So when he just stated that they didn't completely explore their physical relationship, she just slightly raised her eyebrows. 

But that was enough for him to continue.

"I thought it was a safe bet when I carried her to my room, but I didn't get very far before..." he exhaled in embarrassed defeat. "...I saw that her attitude towards our evening had changed."

Kathryn didn't take her eyes off him, watching as he uncomfortably looked at his hands.

"How so?" she prodded as inwardly smirking.

He laughed.

"You know, it's funny. You think you know a person. But I saw a side of Kathryn that was unknown territory that evening."

He paused to look up at ‘Sarah.' Her captivated eyes were all he needed to continue.

"She..." he shook his head as if in disbelief. "She...was scared."

Kathryn's eyebrows rose again feigning surprise.

"For eight years, we wished for more, and in one night it would be over. Kathryn didn't want that. She thought the event was far too monumental, or we deserved more than that, or..." He laughed again as the conversation he had with Kathryn that evening came back in a jumbled collection of ideas. "...she thought that there was a potential for something to go wrong if we didn't at least make an attempt to take it a bit more slowly, that we might miss a crucial step in the foundation of our relationship." 

He shook his head. "The next time we spoke, she apologized. But even though it was difficult to pull back in the moment, I agree with her. What Kathryn and I have is too important to miss a step."

He stopped for a moment and his face fell.

"...What we had...that is."

Kathryn set her mug down and firmly took his hand .

"Love like the love you shared... That. Can't. Die." She punctuated the words by squeezing his fingers. "And as long as you love her, she's with you."

He slightly shrugged and she decided to go ahead and satisfy her curiosity.

"Captain,"

He laughed, "I think you can go ahead and call me Chakotay after this week." She looked surprised for a moment and he added, "If you're comfortable with that, that is..."

She smiled and measured her words carefully, "Chakotay. Your people believe that a spirit lives beyond death."

"And I looked for her."

He focused on the steaming cup of tea in front of him, hoping it would give him guidance for the confusion he felt.

"I went on a vision quest this afternoon, for the first time since... I was worried about what I might find."

Kathryn stayed quiet, letting him speak at his own pace. She had a feeling she knew were he was going with this.

"I looked everywhere for her. She...wasn't there."

"You're sure?"

"Well, it's a big Spirit World ...but yes. Either that...or...."

He hesitated and she squeezed his hand in support once again. 

"Either she isn't there, or our spirits aren't in tune enough for me _to_ find her. Which means... we were never meant to be together in the first place."

"You can't believe that."

"I don't know what to believe," he said a little more aggressively than he intended, unknowingly attracting the attention of his first officer sitting at the bar. Lowering his voice, he continued.

"Kathryn and I were connected in a way that I never experienced before - in a way I never thought was possible. And we couldn't make it work. I couldn't leave for a month and she had to go on some damned suicide mission?"

"...it wasn't her fault that she was assimilated."

"She couldn't be a little more careful? Think about it. If she felt the way I did, why did she take the risk? I waited my whole life for what I had with her and she risked it all, for an incredibly dangerous mission that didn't even require her to be there."

"She was a Starfleet officer. She risked her life every day! Are you implying that your feelings for her are a bigger loss than the good that she was trying to accomplish?"

Kathryn was infuriated. He was going to blame her for her own assimilation and death? Not to mention downgrading how she felt about their newly budding relationship. She tried to tell herself that he was in mourning and just attempting to make sense out of a senseless situation. But one more phrase sent her over the edge.

"She just never learns."

Kathryn was on her feet in an instant.

"Perhaps that, _Captain_ , was the reason why Kathryn Janeway was forced to choose the mask of her rank rather than the delicate ineffectiveness of her human counterpart. Maybe you just wouldn't _allow_ her to have it both ways."

And with that, she walked quick-step away from the table where Chakotay still sat dumb-founded.

How dare he - blame this on her. She continued fuming as she entered the turbolift. Like she _wanted_ to die. Like she _wanted_ to leave him. Arrogant son of a bitch. How dare he validate his emotions by illustrating her faults.

She just made it into her quarters and paced only a few times before the door chime sounded.

"What!" she shouted at the door.

It took her a moment to realize that Chakotay was standing in the doorway, flooded by the light behind him in contrast to her darkened quarters.

Command structure, protocol, even respect failed her as she addressed her superior officer.

"What do you want?"

It was no less than he deserved. He actually wished she would hit him with everything she had. 

He couldn't believe what he had just said about Kathryn. It was ridiculous to suggest she would value anything over their relationship, unless she believed it was absolutely necessary. He was utterly disgusted with himself. 

And so he came to say,

"Thank You."

She stopped moving and stared at him.

"What the hell for?"

"For sticking up for Kathryn."

She was still in shock and he moved further into her cabin. 

"I am...appalled by what I said. I'm sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me. If she was sitting with me tonight...she would have said something very similar to what you had." 

She folded her arms and skeptically moved towards him.

Chakotay's composure was degrading. 

"It's just...I just can't..."

And then with a strangled, heart-wrenching sob, he fell into her arms, crying for the first time since he learned Kathryn had died. 

Kathryn, after a brief moment of surprise, forgot the role she had been playing the last two weeks, ignored her appearance, and became the woman she knew he needed, cradling his distraught form in her arms. She was able to move both of them to her small couch and there he wept with his head in her lap. From time to time he would calm and then it would start anew, his body shaking from the torture he was putting himself through. 

It was late when she heard his breathing calm and she gently stood to replace her lap with a pillow. She draped a cover over him, and then knelt in front of him on the floor. 

Gently stroking his face she spoke in a soft whisper.

"My dear, dear, Chakotay. I am sorry. I'm so sorry for heading that mission. I'm so sorry that I didn't take every opportunity to stay with you." Tears began streaming down her face. "I'm sorry I left you. So, so sorry. I wanted to leave Starfleet. I wanted to start a life...just us. I wanted children, Chakotay. _Children_. I wanted you to be the father of my son or daughter and the only way that I could do that...the only thing that I thought could possible screw up our life and our children's lives and our _grandchildren's_ lives was the Borg. The goddamned Borg. So I thought, ‘What the hell, Kathryn. Go up there and make sure they will never take away our happiness again...'" Her elbow rested by his side and her forehead was held up by her hand. "Oh God, Chakotay I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and watch you suffer because of me. I can't pretend I'm someone else when all I want to do is hold you and tell you I'm okay. I miss you, Chakotay." She turned and stoked his sleeping face.

"Chakotay...I love you."


	4. Chapter 4

Chakotay stood with his hands on his hips, gazing out to a horizon filled with crashing waves. The temperature was ideal, as was the view...

_"Morea to Chakotay."_

Far from perfection, however.

"Go ahead, lieutenant."

_"We're finished here. Moving on to the next set of coordinates."_

"Acknowledged. Chakotay..."

_"Excuse me, Sir? Ensign O'Malley has requested to stay behind."_

Chakotay faintly smiled.

"She can stay. If she's getting what she needs from her current location, there's no need for her to move."

_"Of course, Sir. Morea out."_

Chakotay headed toward the away team's initial coordinates. Morea sounded aggravated, but there really wasn't any reason Sarah should pack up just to tag-along. However, in allowing her to stay, Chakotay undermined the authority of the officer in charge of the team.

Not to mention the fact that he really had no business being planet-side to begin with. 

Tom had argued his inclusion, of course, but there was no real danger. A few plasma storms? Chakotay had certainly weathered something similar before. In fact, the storm activity was quite similar to another moon he had visited long ago. Sarah was even using some of Kathryn's data from New Earth. 

He came to the top of a small hill and saw her sitting on her legs, holding a soil sample up to the sun. The sight made him smile. She was in her element - completely enthralled with the mysteries of her research. It was as if she picked right up from where Kathryn had left off.

_She and Kathryn would have gotten along so well._

He laughed to himself. _No, they wouldn't._ They would have been at each other's throats. They were just too alike in ways that would prove to be volatile: competitive in their interests, strong personalities, and both occupying his attention.

The realization stopped him dead in his tracks.

__________________________________

He didn't wake up until the early morning hours. Sarah was asleep, kneeling on the floor with her head on the couch beside him, hair tousled and face streaked with dried tears. He remembered crying in her arms - remembered how she comforted him selflessly like they had been friends for years. He remembered that strange sensation of peace moments before he drifted off to sleep. He did not remember her crying too. What could he have possibly done to make her break down alongside him? He carried her over to the bed, covered her with the same blanket she had placed on him hours before, and returned to his own quarters. 

He slept soundly the rest of the night.

He hadn't spoken to Sarah yet today but he did run into his first officer in the ready room before departing. What had started as Tom's reluctance for him to tag along in the shuttle, quickly turned into an evaluation of his personal life.

_"Leave it alone, Paris."_

_Tom stared at Chakotay's receding back with his arms folded._

_"You know I can't do that."_

_"It's none of your business. It's nobody's business what I do when I'm not on that bridge."_

_"Only your off-duty time, huh Chakotay? Sounds like she's your new hobby."_

_"Are you trying to tell me who I can and can't spend my time with, Commander?"_

_"What do you think?"_

_Chakotay took a few long steps and got right in Tom's face._

_"You want to know what I think? Alright. I'll tell you. I think that all of you are just aggravated that I'm spending time with someone other than Kathryn. Like I'm defiling her memory because I'm letting another woman make me happy._

_"She's gone, Tom. And while you lost your captain, or heroin, or whatever the hell she was to all of you, I lost my best friend. I lost the other half of my soul. So go ahead and open a ship-wide communication stating that I'm not, nor do I have any intention of replacing their beloved Admiral Janeway. She can never be replaced._

_"But in the mean time, I hope all of you can forgive me for allowing someone to remind me what it is like to smile every once in a while."_

_Silence._

_"Chakotay, look...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."_

_But his commanding officer now stood facing the viewport and Tom realized the conversation was over. Chakotay was right about one thing, O'Malley was the only thing that could make him smile lately and for the first time, Tom was grateful she was there._

_He turned toward the door, but before exiting to the bridge, he remembered what it was that really concerned him to begin with._

_"Listen, all I really wanted to say was, Sarah...she's a sharp girl. But she's just that - a girl. ...the Admiral would want you to be happy. Just...take care of her, Chakotay."_

And with that he left the ready room.

Chakotay stood there replaying Tom's words in his head. He was right. The cocky, self-centered, pain in the ass had a point. Sarah was just a girl. And while Chakotay knew there was no chance for a relationship, a green ensign might be basking in the attention of her commanding officer. It could all be viewed to her as something so much more - the smiles, the lunches, the jokes she told, which made him laugh harder than he had in so long.

And suddenly, images of Kathryn's smiling face assaulted his memories - in their quarters after a shared dinner, on Alpha shift during a calm day in space, lying next to him as he lightly caressed her stomach...

_"The Admiral would want you to be happy."_

Tom's words echoed in his mind, and with inspired strength, he picked up the table and threw it, smashing the glass to pieces on the lower level of the ready room.

_______________________

Kathryn noticed Chakotay standing at the top of a nearby hill. They had both been on the same shuttle but hadn't said a word to each other since the previous evening. 

After landing, the away team immediately began placing receptors to coordinate the energy bursts. Kathryn set up shop determining the relationship between the relentless storms and the moon's ecosystem. Chakotay wandered toward the water's edge and hadn't been seen for hours. 

She wanted to contact him, especially in light of the previous evening, but Morea checked-in to monitor her progress every half hour or so. She may not be worrying about an advance in rank, but she didn't want attention brought to her daydreaming.

However, seeing as the away team had moved on, she was free to work at her own comfortable pace...and confront her superior officer who seemed to be staring off into nowhere even though she now stood directly in front of him.

"Is everything alright?"

He flinched and she removed the hand she had gently placed on his arm.

"I'm sorry, Captain."

"No." His posture relaxed. "I'm sorry. I was just...thinking about someone."

Kathryn guessed he was thinking about Kathryn Janeway, but his thoughts were more consumed with Sarah O'Malley at the moment. She scanned the landscape, and looked back to Chakotay who was still gazing at her. 

Realizing he was caught, he uncomfortably tugged on his ear.

"So how's it going?"

Kathryn slowly turned to return to the site. She attempted to concentrate on the research rather than the familiar way Chakotay had just looked at her. Kathryn had seen it many times before. She'd walk up to him on the Bridge - hands on her hips, eyes bright with intellectual mischief. _"Your thoughts, Commander?"_ she'd lightly question. And in the subtle light created by the ship's red alert, Chakotay would look at her with affectionate admiration. It was those moments that outshone even the nights they spent in her quarters after dinner. It was those moments when their intellectual sparring rivaled their most intimate conversations. Not only would he know exactly where she was coming from, but nine times out often, he would agree where she was going with it. More than anything else, it kept her sharp - focused. And it was the reason why they got home...and grew closer.

But the look she just witnessed wasn't aimed at Kathryn Janeway. And as she walked slightly ahead of him in silence, she wondered how she felt about it. As always, she enjoyed anytime Chakotay looked at her like that. But somehow, she felt betrayed. _Oh this is ridiculous._ Just trying to figure all this out was starting to give her a head...

"Sarah?"

She sighed and stopped walking, but did not turn around.

"Yes, Chakotay."

He wasn't enthusiastic about having this conversation when they were both on duty, but Sarah's demeanor this morning made Chakotay believe it couldn't be avoided. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder encouraging her to turn back to him. 

"Sarah...I think I owe you an apology."

She looked at him questioningly.

"Though..." he crossed his arms and embarrassingly looked down at his feet. "I don't know why."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

Chakotay sighed. There was no easy way to do this.

"Maybe I should start with a thank you. I..hadn't cried since I lost Kathryn."

"...you never cried?"

"...I couldn't. I really appreciate you being there for me last night."

Kathryn apprehensively smiled.

"But it seems that I owe you an apology...for causing you to cry too."

Kathryn panicked. She avoided meeting his eyes as she tried to recall all she had said to the darkness after Chakotay had fallen asleep. 

Chakotay noticed her reluctance to answer and immediately felt guilty that he had brought the subject up. 

"I just hope there wasn't anything that I had done to make you upset."

Kathryn looked at him skeptically. “No...no, of course not."

The conversation stalled and Chakotay tried to get back to their easy camaraderie.

"Sarah...you don't owe me an explanation..."

"But I do," she whispered.

"Why would you think..."

The sonic crash from the blast above his head interrupted the conversation, and suddenly he was suspended in the distant memory of bolts radiating through the sky. It took a tug from his science officer to bring him back. They took off, running through a maze of trees, lighted only by the storm's flashes.

"The away team?" he managed to scream over the storm.

"Too far away from our position by now. Besides, this activity is localized. They may not have been compromised."

This satisfied him for a moment before another, more pressing issue crossed his mind.

"Sarah?"

"Yes, Chakotay."

"Where are we going?"

"Preliminary scans showed a cave about a hundred meters from our initial location."

"...are we there, yet?"

__________________________________

He moved to the other side of the fire. The cave Sarah suggested would indeed protect them until the storm passed - whenever that would be. As they ran into the rock opening, she followed his lead and picked up as many burnable items that she could without breaking her stride. They had settled close enough to the entrance that the lightning created a brief reflection of light on the stone walls, but far enough inside to protect them from wayward strikes. 

Their tricorders were only fairly useful - not able to thoroughly scan for life forms, but functional enough to support Kathryn's original hypothesis that there weren't any to be found.

The storm raged on for hours and the conversation had turned to logistics and schematics as they discussed Sarah's initial findings. It was late in the evening when they gave up hope of returning home before dawn.

"Why don't you get some rest. We're safe here until the storm passes. I'll keep watch."

"Are you sure?" Kathryn noticed he had moved farther away. Her judgment was becoming more and more compromised by his presence. The more time they spent alone, alongside one another, the less she cared what her name was or what she looked like. Chakotay was smiling again and demonstrating the tender strength that Kathryn Janeway had fallen in love with so long ago.

He looked over the fire and smiled affectionately. 

"Of course," he said taking off his jacket and tossing it to her. At her questioning look he shrugged and said, "It's going to get cold when the fire dies."

She raised one eyebrow and sarcastically replied, "Thank you, Captain..."

"My pleasure, Ensign."

She found a reasonably comfortable patch of dirt where she could curl up, and draped his jacket over her shoulders, drawing it close to her face to smell the scent of Chakotay. She would have liked to stay awake with him - taking advantage of every moment they had together, but it wasn't long before her breathing steadied and she fell into a peaceful slumber with a smile gracing her face.

Nothing could make Chakotay sleep. And although keeping his eye on her was undoubtedly the catalyst, given their current situation, she probably wouldn't require a lot of protection.

He sighed and leaned back against the cave's wall.

"Oh Kathryn..."

His head darted up as he looked to see if he disturbed Sarah. But she continued to peacefully sleep. He carefully stood and walked to the cave's entrance. Watching the natural light show for a few minutes, he sat down, ignoring the lightning and the cold. 

He decided to speak to a close friend.

"I miss you."

He was answered only with the howling of the wind. 

"I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm sorry for blaming you for the fact that we're not together. I just...I'm so angry with you. I'm so angry with you for walking on a path that I can't follow." He picked up a handful of dirt and let it fall through his fingers. "Not just yet, anyway...

"Sarah...she's actually been helping. She's so much like you, Kathryn. You'd hate her," he said shaking his head and laughing. "She's you. Only 30 years younger, tall, and blonde. ...No. Stop. I don't want to hear one more joke about me and blondes." He laughed again and then sobering, his gaze was unfocused toward the horizon lighting up with each plasma burst. As if anticipating her argument he started to prove his point. "Kathryn...you are _so_ beautiful. You..."

But a noise caught his attention from within the cave. Armed with his phaser, he quietly crept back inside. When he reached the site, only a few red embers remained. They had gathered everything they could on the way in, but knew it would run out sooner rather than later..

Then he heard it again - a voice. He walked over to Sarah and saw even with his jacket over her shoulders, she already started to shiver.

But shivering in her sleep wasn't all that she was doing.

"Chakotay..."

He bent down closer to her and then froze.

"No...no...I can't leave him again..."

She quieted and started shaking more fiercely and he made a decision.

He lied down right behind her - pressing up to her back and wrapping his arm around her. She instinctively coiled her arm around his, and grabbed his hand. The shivering slowly stopped and she pressed back further into his embrace.

"...I missed you, Chakotay. I missed you so much."

He couldn't tell whether she was awake or asleep, but either way, he was losing himself as she continued to snuggle back into his body.

"I'm sorry...so sorry."

"For what?"

"For leaving you."

He was caught in a shocked stillness.

But she turned in his arms and place both hand aside his face. Lightly, she whispered her warm breath across his lips.

"...so sorry."

She closed the distance and kissed him. 

Truth be known, she started to wake when he moved beside her, but she was still half-asleep, and possessed by feelings evoked by the man she loved.

He couldn't explain it, but had no interest trying. This felt so good - so right - that logic was carelessly abandoned as he returned her kisses, matching her growing intensity. 

Cold was the least of their problems now, as she shrugged off the uniform coat that he had just unzipped. At a frenzied pace, and without more than half-removed uniforms, it wasn’t long before they were connected in every way.

And as she recovered, over their shared heavy breathing, she heard him whisper...

Kathryn.


	5. Chapter 5

He wasn't avoiding her.

True, he hid himself in the Ready Room since they arrived back on _Voyager,_ completely ignoring the Doctor's insistence on going to sickbay before returning to duty...

But he was not avoiding her. He was a Starfleet Captain. He didn't hide from the Borg, or the Romulans, or the Vidiians, or Hirogen. And he certainly wasn't hiding from some green ensign. 

"Deck 8."

Besides, why would he be hiding from her? He had no reason to be ashamed. They were two grown adults taking comfort in one another's close proximity.

_Proximity?_ Is that what he's calling it these days?

Chakotay darted into Astrometrics where Harry Kim stood analyzing some of Sarah O'Malley's findings.

"Nice to have you back, Sir."

"Good to be here. What are you working on?"

"Drafting a report to Headquarters. Do you know where Sarah is?"

_I'm avoiding her._

"She was discharged from sickbay before I came back aboard with a request from the Doctor to get some rest. I would guess she is in her quarters." He paused a moment then questioned the obvious. "Couldn't the ship's internal sensors locate her?"

"Of course," Harry said, laughing.

"Kim to O'Malley"

Chakotay visibly flinched.

_"O'Malley here."_

"Ensign, I understand that you were given orders to rest, but I was wondering if you might come to Astrometrics to clear up something in your report."

_"I'm on my way. O'Malley out."_

"Well then. I'll leave you to your work."

And with that, Chakotay ran out of Astrometrics.

"Deck 2."

It was one harmless night. There were no emotional endearments exchanged. True, he enjoyed her company, but his strangely intense attraction to Sarah couldn't be compared to his relationship with Kathryn.

Sarah wasn't even his type. 

"I could be her father." He began talking to himself in the lift. "She's...too blonde. And too tall. And..." He rolled his eyes as he realized that was the best he could come up with. "And..." He sighed. 

"Sarah O'Malley isn't Kathryn Janeway."

The mess hall was more crowded than usual. More than a dozen crewmen including a few members of the senior staff were gathered at a table with Tom Paris.

"So she grabs Tuvoc's hand and tells the lady, ‘I've got a man.' And after that, there was no doubt in my mind that the concept of a Vulcan controlling emotions is just a load of garbage."

Over the laughter, one lieutenant could be heard saying, "..until they meet Kathryn Janeway."

At that moment Tom's eyes met Chakotay who was standing near the replicator getting a cup of tea. The crowd, noticing the change of Tom's mood, quieted.

"You're right."

Tom raised his glass respectively toward Chakotay who in turn, solemnly nodded.

"Kathryn Janeway could make even a Vulcan smile."

Chakotay headed back out the door he came.

"Deck 1."

And he would never smile again. No ensign could take that place in his heart. Crossing the bridge he bolted into his Ready Room. He downed the remainder of his tea and leaned against the desk trying to slow his breathing. 

"I can't do this anymore." 

He pushed himself upright once more and tore around to the other side of his desk. Reaching into one of his drawers he found his medicine bundle. His rage was growing by the instant. Never had he initiated a vision quest with such conflict churning through his veins. And so it took little to get him there.

"A-koo-chee-moya."

The transition from his Ready Room to the realm of the spirit world was a violent one but Chakotay didn't seem to notice. It almost strengthened his resolve. Wolf was nowhere to be seen. Given his current mood, he wasn't shocked by that. It was night, and the only light was derived from an impending storm. In the lightning flashes he saw himself in a barren desert, surrounded by tall cliffs. This wasteland wasn't new to him. He had seen it before - when he had lost his way. He landed here often before he made the decision to join the Maquis. 

The knowledge that his state of mind led him here once again erased what was left of inner tranquility.

He was so lost and so alone. And so very tired of trying to find the peace that seemed to be evading him.

"Kathryn!"

His scream echoed off the cliffs but the sound was buried by the rage that filled his mind. His breathing was heavy and fists clenched as he looked up to the sky and repeated his cry.

"Kathryn!"

"...Chakotay."

The voice wasn't the deep, feminine voice that he wanted to hear, and so he missed it the first time.

"My son."

Chakotay made a quick turn and he suddenly found himself in a forest clearing. The air was calm, aside for a crack of intermittent distant thunder. Kolopak's face was lit by the light of the fire he tended.

When he was sure he had his son's attention, he gently put down the stick he had been using to prod logs in the flames. Folding his arms across his chest, he looked into Chakotay's face.

"She is not here."

"Father, how can you know who I'm..."

"Because I have seen her here before."

Chakotay's face fell as he let out a deep sigh. 

Then she had been here. 

"No, Chakotay. Not as I am here. But as you have come."

It took his a moment to digest this information. 

Kathryn had never mentioned anything more about her animal guide or embarking on a vision quest after that very first time he had introduced her to the ritual. She's a quick study, but he doubted that she would be able to find herself here again without his guidance.

"Father, you must be mistaken."

"I may have lost my life, Chakotay. I have not lost my mind."

"You don't even know her, Father!"

"I do. Because I know you."

Kolopak stood now and approached his son driving his point home further. "You believe you are attracted to her eyes, the soft touch of her skin, the passion of her mind and all of that may be true. But it is not what makes her your match."

Just recalling those aspects of Kathryn quieted Chakotay, and he stood entranced as Kolopak stopped half an arm's length away from him and continued.

"The light of her spirit burns as yours. When she was here, I saw her as I would see my own Daughter."

Chakotay could do little more than stare at his father in disbelief.

"You belong to one another, Chakotay." He continued as he walked back toward the fire. "And I suspect she is closer to you than you think."

Chakotay opened his eyes slowly as the inner walls of the Starfleet vessel came back into focus. Standing, he turned to look into the deep, black of space.

His Father's words calmed his rage, but not his mind. 

Kathryn.

He had avoided a vision quest for so long in fear of what he might find. And when he arrived there, when he finally found the courage just a few days ago, he walked away from the experience even more baffled than he had come. Part of him wanted to accept that she was gone, and move on in the muted torture that his life would now be. He _wanted_ closure. But he feared what he didn't see in the vision quest would forever impede that process. He couldn't help but conclude that the reason Kathryn could not be found...

...was because she was not dead. 

_______________________________

_When the call had come from Sector 001,_ Voyager _had just exited the Bajoran wormhole. No details had been released aside from the disturbing fact that there was Borg Cube the size of Earth taking a tour of the Sol System. But he knew. His first thoughts were of Kathryn._

_They didn't make it back in time to join the fleet in battle - just to witness the catastrophic mayhem the Borg had left in its wake. After docking, he immediately traveled to San Francisco to find Kathryn's apartment empty. Her nightclothes were carelessly thrown on the bed; a nearly empty cup of cold coffee sitting on the counter._

_Fear gripped him tenfold as he ran from her apartment to her office a mile away. He bypassed the lift and bound up the stairs, two steps at a time, to the third floor. Her assistant was not in, and so using Kathryn's code, he walked through the door. A woman was half-perched on the edge of the desk - but she was far from the Admiral he needed_ _to see._

_"Captain Chakotay."_

_If it wasn't for her obvious exhaustion, he would have almost called her tone accusatory._

_"Admiral. Where is Admiral Janeway?"_

_Admiral Nechayav had the grace to breathe deeply and sigh before delivering the harsh truth._

_"She's dead."_

_At that moment, his ears heard only a deafening vacuum of nothing. His eyes stared into space. He would have argued with her - would have accused her of lying if he didn't already know the truth in his heart. And so he stood there, unable to move. It was in this state that Tom and B'Elanna found him when they crashed through her door behind Chakotay._

_Tom, seeing Alynna Nechayav had told Chakotay the news in what he was sure had to be grossly insensitive manner, cursed under his breath for their bad timing._

_"All of you certainly are resourceful. We're going to have to beef up security around headquarters just to accommodate for_ Voyager's _engineering ingenuity."_

_The trio ignored her._

_B'Elanna put her arm around him, guiding him back out the door. "C'mon, Chakotay. You're coming with us."_

_He didn't remember how he got to the Paris' house. He did remember Owen Paris' stricken face as he walked through the living room. Miral, sensing the somber mood began crying in the kitchen as Tom's mother tried to soothe her back to sleep._

_Chakotay sat on the couch with B'Elanna and Tom on either side of him. Owen took one look at him, and settled himself on the coffee table across from the three._

_"Son," Chakotay lifted his head slightly - the only sign of respect he could muster at the moment. "She...left on a mission. It was classified. No one here was even privy to her involvement until..." He stopped to collect himself. It was obvious to Chakotay that Kathryn meant a great deal to the elderly man now sitting before him. "Kathryn was investigating a dormant Borg Cube in Sector 10. There's no clear indication how she was assimilated," Chakotay's body noticeably shuttered. "But, she was somehow transformed into the Queen and led the cube on an assault against the Federation."_

_Chakotay broke out of the haze for a moment with a face that looked prone for a hostile argument._

_But Owen Paris interceded, "We know. We know it wasn't her." Sighing, he continued. "In fact, preliminary reports suggest that she may have assisted in the cube's destruction."_

_This put a ghost of a smile on Chakotay's face._

The weeks after that, during conversations with Kathryn's family and the agony of attending her memorial service, he had remained numb and unapproachable - as if something had taken his spirit and he remained only a shell of a man. Until he boarded for this mission.

No...until he met Sarah O'Malley.

Frustrated, he turned back around to sit on his couch under the viewport and cradle his head in his hands.

It was strange. It would make sense to him if by meeting Sarah, he was able to accept that Kathryn was gone. But it wasn't that simple. He now accepted that the events of her death took place as he was told. He accepted that she wasn't in his life in her previous capacity. 

He suddenly could not accept that she was dead. 

He whispered Kathryn's name in the cave last night - probably why he was avoiding Sarah most of all.

He's in love with Kathryn Janeway.

He made his decision. Now all he needed was a moment to inform Ensign O'Malley.

___________________________________

"Maybe this was a mistake."

The steaming mug was close to her face creating a caffeinated personal sauna. She sat cuddled in the corner seat under the viewport in her dark cabin - a few padds scattered around her.

"My presence here isn't going to help him." She took a long, thoughtful drink of her coffee. "And I've been talking to myself too much lately."

Standing now, she cradled her mug as she stared out into the deep abyss of space. She knew exactly what she was doing down on that moon. And she didn't regret a moment of it. It appeared as though Chakotay did, however - seeing as he was avoiding her all day. 

The fact she heard her name whispered instead of her alter ego's was not lost on Kathryn, either. This quashed her guilt a bit - it would protect his heart when she, once again, was forced to leave his side.

There would be a reception tonight for the crew of Voyager on the surface of the moon's planet, in appreciation for their assistance. Perhaps she would find time tonight to speak with Chakotay. 

She reached up to feel her ring strung on a chain and hidden beneath her uniform.

At least now she knew...there was certainly no question of his devotion. 


	6. Chapter 6

The mountain was once the tallest peak on the planet. A sculptor began chipping away at the stony façade at age fourteen, and continued until the day he died at one hundred thirty-eight. The result was a grand hall with stone pillars stretching up to the clouds, made entirely of a single piece of pale-gray rock. Flowers adorned each pillar in tasteful subtlety. The room lacked a ceiling and featured gaps between the formidable columns spanning 10 meters or so in length - providing an unobstructed view to the far off horizon. 

The Tritoreans were a hospitable, humanoid species, closely resembling Vulcans physically but much more emotionally driven - Tom even called them dramatic - with a quality of stirring grace infused into every move they made. They were dressed in flowing silks. Their quiet, purposeful movements were a thing of beauty as they made the _Voyager_ crew comfortable in this, their most treasured structure.

She found him away from the crowd, on a balcony standing with his feet apart, his hands behind his back. As she approached he stirred a bit at her presence, but his eyes remained transfixed on the stars emerging in the darkening sky.

Kathryn took her place by his side. She had hoped this would be a pleasant conversation, that he would have been anticipating a repeat performance or that they could at least laugh about the way their friendship had snow-balled into one crazy, but harmless night. She wished he would smile.

...but suspected he wouldn't.

And it seemed reality was living up to her expectations.

It was clear he didn't want to start this, and maybe it was a mistake to have a conversation of this nature during a diplomatic mission. But Kathryn had never really been one to curb her feelings in hope that the ideal situation presented itself.

"Chakotay, I thought we might..."

"Captain." 

In the corner of his vision, he could see her turn her head abruptly toward him, and so he explained, "I think it might be best to keep things formal...don't you?"

Only when she returned her gaze back to the picture-perfect view of the distant mountains did he glance over to gauge her reaction. A bit more relaxed, he resumed his watch as twilight turned to night.

"Last night...was a severe lapse in judgment on my part. I would certainly expect you to report my transgressions to Command."

It had been the closest she had been to Chakotay in so long. It was the closest she had imagined she would ever be again. That was no transgression. It was a gift - one she would hold close to her heart no matter what her destiny held.

"That won't be necessary... _Captain_."

"I was out of line, Ensign."

"Sarah." She corrected. "Once you screw an ensign, I think you can call her by her name."

"Please, Sarah."

"Please? What exactly are you asking for, Chakotay? You want me to pretend it never happened? Is that it? Sorry. No can do."

"Please don't make this any more difficult than it already is."

"For who, Chakotay? For you?" She shook her head and folded her arms. "I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew a relationship was out of the question. I had no misgivings about what I was to you."

"And what was that, exactly?

"A distraction."

"Spirits, Sarah - you're much more than that."

"It's alright. I get it. You needed a release, I gave it to you."

"If I recall correctly, you came on to me. You're not exactly blame-free in this little scenario."

"You think this is a game?" Her argument became louder. "I truly care about you, Chakotay. I can see you are hurting. I want to do whatever I can to help!"

He had to turn his head to break eye contact. Her eyes so resembled Kathryn's, he couldn't bear to see the hostility pouring from their blue depths.

"What is it you want from me?" she asked, pleadingly.

The question took him off guard, but he was interrupted as he attempted to formulate an answer.

_"Kim to Chakotay"_

He took a few steps away from her and their argument.

"Go ahead, Harry."

_"I'm sorry to disturb you, Sir but I have bad news. One of the receptors on the moon is down - damaged in a storm."_

Sarah closed her eyes in frustration.

Harry was monitoring the condition of the receptors while holding down the fort on _Voyager_. They had planned on initiating the energy wave tomorrow at 0700. If all went well, they would be headed back to Sector 001 by the afternoon. 

"Can O'Malley and I transport directly to the site?"

_"I don't think so. Atmospheric activity in that area is still too unpredictable."_

Chakotay was quiet for a moment before arriving at his decision.

"Then we'll take a shuttle over. Chakotay out."

He started walking away and she only half-caught the order that he casually threw over his receding shoulder.

"Let's go."

______________________

He wasn't concerned about Sarah's professionalism. It was as fine-tuned as her research. She would never allow their argument to interfere with her work. Still, he wouldn't have minded _some_ conversation on the trip to the moon. Instead he sat next to her in the cockpit of the shuttle feeling the rage radiate off of her skin.

"I really wish you wouldn't do that."

"Do what, _Captain_."

She could have just called him a worthless paramecium and he would have been less insulted.

But he ignored the bait.

"Just sitting there seething. If you have something to say, let's hear it."

She was quiet for a moment and then defeated, she replied, "I don't know what else to say."

What anger he had been harboring was cooled with her tone. He took a moment to glance over at her and she appeared tired...and close to tears.

"You said you had no misconceptions regarding where my heart is in all this. Just talk to me. Before last night, we were pretty good at that."

It was the tenderness that was her undoing. 

The man that she loved was sitting half a meter away from her. Loving her, though conveniently not aware that he did, and pleading with her for honesty. And suddenly she couldn't remember why it was such a bad idea. This was what he needed. This was what she needed. And if she told him the right way...there was a chance he would speak to her again.

But he interrupted before she could say anything.

"The storm is blanketing the atmosphere - I don't see a way around it."

After confirming his assessment, she concluded, "We're going to have to punch our way through."

He did a double take, but Kathryn didn't notice. She was already converting power from non-essential systems to re-enforce the shields. "I'm reading increased electro-magnetic activity on the northern hemisphere..."

"That's the location of the malfunctioning receptor."

She smiled slightly as she answered, "Naturally."

Chakotay was flying closer and closer to the moon trying desperately to come up with a solution.

"Chakotay..."

"Yes, Sarah."

The fact that their camaraderie was repaired at least in crunch time was re-assuring. But it made what she had to say more difficult.

"We're going to crash."

He exhaled, "You know you shouldn't listen to everything the First Officer says. He has a habit of over-exaggerating the truth. I don't crash every shuttlecraft..."

"Chakotay, if Tom went through that turbulence, he would crash too. I'm not saying that the shuttlecraft is going to look like confetti..."

"That's reassuring," he interrupted.

"But it's not going to be a routine landing."

"Agreed. So what's your idea?"

She paused a moment and then answered, "Let's crash as close as we can to the receptor location."

"That's it?"

"Do you have anything better?"

"Nope."

"Alright. Let's do it."

They entered the atmosphere and the shuttle began to shake.

"Eighteen thousand meters and falling." Chakotay reported.

"Hang in there...just a little more." Kathryn said to the shuttle.

They were surrounded by lightning. "Fifteen thousand meters." A loud noise could be heard from the aft section. "What was that?"

Kathryn was consumed in maintaining structural integrity, even though she wasn't entirely successful. "Oh that was just a small section of the outer hull." She stated calmly.

"Well if that's all it was..."

Again and again, the shuttlecraft was hit by lightning.

"Switching to manual navigation. Can we transport to the surface?"

"We could." Kathryn replied, "If I hadn't used power from the transporters to re-enforce the shields."

"Makes sense. Ten Thousand meters. We're coming in too fast. Hull temperature is exceeding forty-five hundred degrees."

"Converting all power to reverse thrusters."

"Eight thousand meters and falling."

"Could you please not use the word ‘falling?'"

"Three thousand."

"Brace for impact!"

__________________________

"Chakotay!" 

The shuttlecraft was filled with smoke. The slight scent of burned flesh could be identified apart from the overwhelming bombardment of fried electrical components.

_"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in five minutes."_

"Did you hear that, Chakotay? We need to get out of here."

Just then the smoke shifted away to reveal his legs sticking out of a piece of inner hull. Rushing over to him, she threw the metal off and knelt by his side. He was likely thrown from his seat and Kathryn couldn't be sure what sort of spinal injuries he might have experienced. He was badly burned and unconscious. She took the time to find a medical tricorder.

As she scrolled through the information, she closed her eyes to ward off the panic she felt. He had to get back to _Voyager_. But she couldn't take the time to contact them right now.

The manual release for the hatch wasn't moving. There was no way they were getting out that way. Transporters were dead. She glanced back at Chakotay. "Not this time." She commented to herself. The man she loved was not going to die in a shuttle-craft ever again. But she was running out of options.

_"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in four minutes."_

She felt blood dripping down her face.

For the first time she noticed her own injuries. She didn't remember anything after the crash - which meant she was probably fighting a nasty concussion as well. Her uniform was tattered and charred. Her mind was about as clear as the air in the..

The air in the shuttle was clearing out. She could vaguely see an opening near the aft section flooring. It took three kicks, and nearly passing out, to widen the crack to a narrow opening. 

_"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in three minutes."_

She tried to move Chakotay. He wouldn't budge. Weighing the risks only for a moment, she picked up the hypospray that would force him to regain consciousness, and pressed it to his neck. Immediately giving him another to dull the pain that he was undoubtedly feeling, she was surprised to hear his voice...but not surprised to hear the one word he said. 

"Kathryn.."

"Nope...but really close."

She began moving him to a standing position and he followed her - not fully understanding what was going on.

"Sarah? ...what happened?" he weakly asked.

"We crashed." She stately the obvious.

"Good."

"I beg your pardon." 

She had no time for this.

"I'll be with Kathryn soon."

_"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in two minutes."_

"Oh no you don't. You've gotta stay with me, Chakotay. We're going to be okay if you just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other."

She got to the hole, in the hull and carefully lying him down on the deck, she slipped through the opening. Then she gently pulled him by the feet inches at a time, down and outside, until he stood with assistance once more.

_"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in one minute."_

Without even realizing he was walking, he used her like a crutch as she hastily led him away from the crash site. Counting down an approximate minute in her head, she led them toward a formation of rock. No sooner were they huddled on the other side of its surface, the shuttle exploded sending billowing black smoke into the already dark, storm-filled sky. 

Kathryn, panting from the exertion was relieved when they heard the blast. She sat back for a moment to catch her breath only to hear Chakotay's labored breathing. It did not fit with his calm appearance - a contented smile on his face as he stared at her.

"Chakotay?"

With a certain degree of difficulty he inhaled and exhaled and then opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm going to miss you, Sarah."

She ripped a piece of her jacket off to dab the blood on his face.

"You're not going anywhere."

"I'm going to see Kathryn."

"Chakotay, listen to me...if you die, I can guarantee you won't see Kathryn."

He managed to laugh.

"Sarah, you've been so good to me. But it's time. I need to be with her."

"If you need to be with Kathryn Janeway, than you need to stay right here."

He began to close his eyes and she panicked, jumping up and straddling his legs.

"Chakotay, I'm here, I'm here with you."

She could faintly hear the sound of another shuttlecraft making its way to the surface as the sun broke out from a cloud behind where she sat. When Chakotay looked up at her again, her face was in shadows, framed by sunlight. All he could see was her eyes.

"...Kathryn?"

Tears were pouring down her face as she desperately led him back to her.

"Yes, Chakotay."

"I'm dead?"

She smiled this time, "No, but you have to fight. You have to fight to stay with me."

She squeezed the hand that was not red with burns.

The sun retreated behind a cloud once more and Kathryn morphed before his eyes. 

"Sarah?"

"No, Chakotay...it's Kathryn. Don't leave me, please don't leave me."

She laid her forehead on his shoulder briefly and sat back up to look at him, but he was no longer looking at her face. Still connected to the chain on her neck, the ring hung through a hole in her uniform.

With what little strength he had, he reached up and ripped the delicate chain from her neck.

"Where did you get this?"

"Q."

"What!?" Suddenly he was lost and confused and just wanted to get away from her to clear his mind.

"Q retrieved it from the outer hull and gave it to me."

"Why?"

"Because _you_ wanted to give it to me."

"That's Kathryn's ring."

"Chakotay...I'm Kathryn."

Distressed and weak, he stared into her eyes.

"It's me, Chakotay."

His eyes started to close.

"Kathryn."

She sobbed into his uniform calling his name as he lost consciousness only partially noticing the rescue team that had reached their position.


	7. Chapter 7

Mission accomplished, albeit amid another brush with death. _Voyager_ was en route to the Sector 001 at warp six. Her Captain was in the Ready Room since his release from sickbay - ignoring Dr. Kaz's orders for rest and relaxation. 

He continued to stare out the viewport as he answered the chime for his door.

Kathryn entered slowly with her head low, fiddling with her fingers. If her physical appearance looked like Kathryn Janeway, her apprehensive posture would have prompted Chakotay to question her health. But worn on Sarah, it more resembled the fitting insecure immaturity of a green ensign. After a deafening silence, she realized he wasn't going to start this.

"I wanted to see how you were doing."

A single sarcastic laugh was all she received in reply.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come."

She turned to leave and almost made her escape when his words stopped her in her tracks.

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

Her eyes shut and the door facing her closed as she stood rooted in place.

"That's really all I want to know. Because if you didn't plan on telling me," he turned and began to make his way to the lower level, his voice growing more heated as he spoke. "If you planned on simply... _lying_ to me...trying to convince me that you were some random officer instead of the woman I'm in love with, the other half of my soul... 

"...If you wouldn't tell me that you're Kathryn Janeway - then there's no way in hell you are her. Kathryn Janeway is no coward."

He turned to lean on his desk for support. Taking a few steadying breaths he bent his head to glance her way. She was still facing the door, and he could tell she was silently crying. Sighing deeply, he walked back to her. "I never wanted to see another ocean because it reminded me of her eyes, or a sunrise because I saw her auburn hair." Gently placing his hands on her shoulders, he turned her around to face him. Her eyes were still cast down, refusing to meet his. 

"I didn't want to see another day. Because a day without Kathryn Janeway isn't a day worth living..."

She hesitantly looked toward him - her pleading eyes filled with tears... when suddenly the ship was thrown out of warp and an eerie red glow was cast on the ready room walls as _Voyager_ stood still in space.

Kathryn's eyes went wide and for a fraction of a moment they stood staring at one another, before bounding out onto the Bridge.

"Report."

"Wish I could, sir," Campbell replied from Opps. "No space anomalies, no power fluctuations."

"Helm?"

"Unresponsive."

"Chakotay to Engineering."

"Vorik here, sir."

"Care to explain to me why we're dead in the water?"

"At this time we are unable to diagnose the cause of this malfunction. The warp core is in perfect functioning order. It simply is not functioning." 

Chakotay suppressed the urge to roll his eyes as Tom added, "All decks reported in - no injuries. All systems normal, aside from our inability to move. At red alert and awaiting your orders." 

Chakotay debated for only a second then looked back. Kathryn was standing out of the way below tactical watching the proceedings with a concerned look all over her face. 

"Suggestions?" he prompted her. 

If anyone found it odd that their Captain was asking the opinion of an ensign - they didn't show it. Lately he had been making many odd choices. But she didn't have a chance to reply. As Chakotay had been looking at her, awaiting an answer, her face turned from contemplation to alarm - focused on something in the middle of the bridge, beyond where he stood. 

He turned back around to see a small girl with blond hair and a pink dress. Her face was a picture of innocence but when she spoke, her voice was far from childlike.

"I'm here for her," she said with disdain as she aggressively jutted out her chin toward where Kathryn stood.

The Bridge officers looked at Sarah O'Malley slightly confused.

Chakotay looked into Kathryn's eyes in panic - taking visibly deep breathes.

"I'm here for Kathryn Janeway."

And with that, Sarah's appearance dissolved to reveal Kathryn Janeway in full admiral uniform.

Chakotay knew that Sarah was Kathryn but to see her now before him made his heart soar. His conviction returned, he made his way over to stand beside her once again.

"Over my dead body."

"Not a problem."

"Suspiria...wait."

Kathryn had identified their visitor. Chakotay realized now, that they were dealing with the female caretaker who had nearly destroyed the ship more than ten years ago. This information should have concerned him - and it did to a point. But he couldn't help the elation he felt at hearing Kathryn's voice again.

Though he wished he didn't hear what she said next.

"I'll go with you," she said in a barely audible voice. "But I'll need a moment."

Suspiria appeared annoyed, but made no move to take her by force. Chakotay stared at her in shock, searching for any way he could stop this. Their options were limited. They had developed a weapon based on a component found in the original caretaker's remains, but that along with nearly the rest of the ship had been confiscated and studied by Starfleet when they returned. The schematics were classified. And he didn't imagine he had that kind of time to get in touch with Command.

"Chakotay..."

She interrupted his musings. He closed his eyes and tensed. She was saying goodbye.

"I'm so sorry."

He turned around but could not meet her eyes.

"I never wanted to lie to you. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay forever. I was afraid."

The fact that this was perhaps not the ideal location for this discussion was lost on them.

"Afraid of what, Kathryn?"

"That I would hurt you...all over again."

He folded his arms and looked down at his feet, his voice was breaking as he spoke.

"I looked for you. I went on a vision quest and looked for your spirit and I couldn't find you. ...I didn't know what to think."

She gave him a sad, affectionate smile.

"I was kidnapped...by a tall Q with long, flowing red hair and a bad attitude."

He reached for her hands.

"I can't let you go, again...I won't."

The tears she had not realized she had been holding in now escaped in a strangled sob.

"Oh Chakotay," she said throwing herself into his arms.

They held each other for only a few moments, clinging to each other tightly. Chakotay hoped there would be bruises where her fingers grasped into his arms. But Suspiria's voice brought them back to reality.

"There isn't much time."

They reluctantly backed out of the embrace and she smeared the moisture out of her eyes. Still holding Chakotay's hand she looked from Tom to Harry and tried to smile.

"Goodbye, my friends. Take care of him, will you?"

"We'll keep an eye on him, Admiral," said Tom from the XO seat with a comforting smile.

"We'll..." Harry started speaking and then threw caution to the wind. "We're really going to miss you, Admiral."

Tom put his head down to hide his wide smile. Leave it to Harry.

"Harry...I'm so proud of everything I've see you accomplish. But I'm more honored that I'm able to call you a friend." 

Chakotay was only half-hearing the proceedings, staring at the floor and clutching on to her hand for dear life. 

"Thank all of you." She said raising her voice to direct her appreciation to the entire bridge crew. "You've made this time so very fulfilling for me. Thank you for being the officers and individuals that make me proud to have served alongside of you."

She took a deep breath and letting it out, squeezed Chakotay's hand, was still entwined with hers. She took a few steps toward Suspiria and he followed her lead. She embraced him again.

"I love you Chakotay. I'll always love you."

"...I love you." 

She released him now and took the last two steps to stand beside Suspiria.

He looked at her, panicked. 

"Wait!"

Reaching under the neck of his uniform he pulled out her ring, snapping the chain. 

"Can you take this?

"Chakotay, you should..."

"Please?"

She hesitated a moment before replying.

"...I'd love to."

He was about to hand it to her but thought better of the decision. Standing in front of her he gently took her hand.

"Kathryn Janeway...you found me in the darkness and rescued me. You were sent to capture a warrior, and instead you gave my heart, love and my soul...peace. You will be in my mind and in my heart for the rest of my days. I love you, Kathryn. I wanted to be your partner in life, but our spirits are connected in a more profound way that not even death can destroy."

He slipped the ring on her finger and kissed her hand. 

Squeezing his fingers, she whispered, "We _will_ meet again."

Releasing his grasp he backed away and, though it took everything in him - he smiled.

She did the same with silent tears pouring down her face. 

In a shimmer of light they began to vanish. He saw more than heard her say, "I love you," as she disappeared.

The bridge was silent. The red alert was dismissed. The lights regained full illumination. He slowly walked over to the command chair and sat down. The other bridge officers reverently did the same.

"Helm, continue previous heading."

"Aye, sir."


	8. epilogue

He resigned from Starfleet the next day.

Part of him thought she might be disappointed in him for abandoning _Voyager_ , but he’d cross that ion storm if and when he had the opportunity. 

His days were powered by determination and fear. 

Before Sarah, he would have welcomed death. He’d gladly follow Kathryn down that abyss to the unknown. But now, it wasn’t so simple. Now he knew if the spirit world was where you ventured after your body succumbed, Kathryn wouldn’t be waiting there for him. And nothing could possibly terrify him more.

The shuttlecraft was small – much smaller than the Delta Flyer. But as Tom said, "It’s what’s under the hood that counts." Chakotay had friends in high places…in regards to engineering, that is. And it didn’t take too much convincing to get B’Elanna to enhance his ship with an experimental slip-stream drive. He was even able to reach the Delta quadrant before the Benamite crystals gave out. After that, he was forced to be content with warp two.

Navigation was a problem, too. The star charts from their long years on _Voyager_ were under lock and key at headquarters – available for every outgoing Starfleet vessel, but not for civilian perusal. So Chakotay was forced to rely on his memory. He set his sights to a point in the sky and never looked back.

_Second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning._

He found friends along the way. And enemies. He ran into a lonely Borg cube from time to time and held his breath as he was scanned by long-range sensors. But they weren’t interested. Not even good enough for a drone.

The Ocampan weren’t so lucky.

He found the station where they met Susperia before. There wasn't much evidence of a battle, but there were clear signs of the Borg. In an anti-grav suit, he looked for any indication Kathryn had been there.

Nothing.

He climbed back into the cockpit of his shuttle and continued on.

Chakotay lost all trace of time in the monotony of the stars. It seemed as if he spent all his days begging and bargaining for fuel. And that was how he found himself on the planet he now occupied. 

And his mind wasn’t too far gone to know this planet would be his last stop. 

Ambition, enthusiasm, and hope could not compete with inevitability. His shuttle had made a crash landing. It would never fly again. And complicated by his elevated age, Chakotay had barely survived. If it weren’t for the help of strangers on this unknown planet, the limp he acquired in the crash along with the scar down his cheek would be the least of his problems. 

As he gazed into the crowded marketplace he commented inwardly that this was not really where he would have chosen to spend the remainder of his days, given the option. But he had long ago acknowledged that his path was set before him,and his way was clear.

He followed the trail of one Kathryn Janeway.

He pictured for a moment, Kathryn sauntering knowingly, standing out amidst the collage of shoppers in the outdoor stores. He imagined she'd pause to turn her head back. With her hand on her hip, she'd look at him, shake her head, and smile.

“That was a beautiful smile I saw for just a moment.”

His musings were interrupted as he looked up into the eyes of a young woman wearing a hooded cloak. 

“I am a nomad nearing the end of my journey. My memories serve as good company these days.”

She quietly sat beside him, matching his gaze into the crowd. Chakotay stole a look and from what he could see of her face, he could have mistaken her for a human, if he didn’t know better.

“Where are you from, nomad?”

He breathed out a sigh.

“I’ve journeyed for many years.”

“From Earth?”

He turned to look at her curiously.

“How do you know about Earth?”

Her head dropped a bit and she smiled faintly and removed her hood to reveal her elfkin features. Then turning, she met his gaze. 

“Let’s just say, you don’t have to be a telepath to know where you’ve traveled from.”

She stood and held out her hand.

Chakotay stared in shock, breathing heavily. Only one word escaped his lips.

“Kathryn?”

With her arm still extended, she smiled.

“…is waiting for you.”

In a daze he clasped her hand and stood. She touched a medallion on her wrist and they vanished.

_______________________________

Chakotay settled in the co-pilot’s seat of the alien shuttlecraft. While he trusted this Ocampan, he couldn’t imagine what his immediate future had in store for him. The implications of their meeting hadn’t quite hit home.

He looked over at her as she gracefully manipulated the controls.

“So, where are we headed?”

“New Ocampa.”

His eyes widened and he took a deep breath. “You’ve been busy.”

She laughed, “Well not me, personally, but yes, we have a home for the combined Ocampan race.”

“Combined?”

“The inhabitants of our original homeworld and the refugees from the space station _Voyager_ visited. All thanks to your wife’s leadership and guidance.”

Chakotay could only laugh. “So Kathryn’s my wife now?”

The Ocampan looked embarrassed. “She never said anything, but we felt her feelings for you. And her ring – she said it was a human sign of commitment. Some of us set out to search for you…”

Chakotay laughed at her discomfort. “Oh don’t think I mind…I just wasn’t informed, is all.” He shook his head and then sobering, realized what she had begun to say. “You were sent to find me?”

“It was clear she missed you. Kathryn has done so much for us. Some of us decided to find you.”

“That was very kind of you.”

“We owe her our lives. It wasn’t a difficult decision to make.”

__________________________________________

Kathryn sat in a sun-lit balcony. There were four tall pillars on each corner of the floor. A large pastel-colored tapestry was draped to serve as a ceiling.

Her long hair was swept half-up and she wore a ivory dress. Despite the silk-like, flowing quality of the fabric, the sleeveless garment bodice was fitted, the neck dipped low in waves, and the skirt brushed the floor as she walked.

Perched on the edge of her couch, she stared at the Ocampan’s equivalent of a PADD.

She was happy…enough.

She had consolidated and relocated the entire Ocampan race. Using the abilities Susperia had passed on in addition to the knowledge she had acquired over a lifetime of service, she found a hospitable M class planet. She encouraged the Ocampan people to discover a calling in life – to find occupations that matched their skills and passions. She guided their leaders in developing a sustainable government. And then quietly stepped aside as new leaders were chosen.

Kathryn spent her days teaching in the local schools, gardening, and immersing herself in the beautiful planet she now called home. She acted as a sort of ceremonial monarch – deeply respected and admired. She no longer took part in day-to-day decisions, but was often called on to offer counsel and to serve as an ambassador, utilizing abilities derived from a life well-spent more than any spell Susperia could cast. 

She was happy enough.

She sighed as the PADD fell into her lap and she looked to the horizon. Gently rising, she left the device on her seat and with gentle footsteps, made her way over to the balcony wall. Leaning with both arms, her chin fell to her chest.

Suddenly the air became still. Her eyes widened. Something was different and Kathryn went immediately on alert, scanning the world she created below the place her residence stood.

She sensed a presence behind her and an apprehensive smile crept onto her face.

“You’re late.”

He laughed. “I am?”

“You are.” She put her head down to hide her smile even though she still had her back to him. “I was expecting you, oh…thirty years ago?”

“That means I would have had to make it out here in ten years?” he asked disbelievingly. 

She shuttered with laughter she was trying to conceal from him. “Give or take a few.” 

The uneasy anticipation she felt made it difficult to breath and impossible to walk. So many times she had imagined this moment and never once had she been so rooted to the ground she was unable to face him. With a steadying breath, Kathryn clasped her hands behind her back, and turned to walk toward him.

Chakotay gasped.

He had never been a vain man, he didn’t attempt to conceal from Kathryn that the long years had not been kind to his physical appearance. And after decades apart, he expected to see the woman he adored look akin to the Admiral who helped Voyager find a way home so long ago. But that was certainly not the Kathryn approaching him now.

She did it again. After all this time, she still managed to knock him completely off balance. Kathryn's skin was tight and radiant, her auburn hair falling in waves around her shoulders. She stood tall, and moved with effortless grace.

She came right up to him and lifted a hand, gently laying it on his chest like she had so long ago. Her eyes finally lifted to meet his. She took a step back then, and with a playful smile, began circling him, fingers clasped behind her back.

“Captain, I am in need of an associate to assist me in the day to day operations of an established, albeit recently relocated civilization.”

A small smile crept to his lips when she began speaking.

“It will require daily interaction with the locals, assisting them personally unless further collaboration with your superior officer is necessary.”

She paused in front of him and then moved counter-clockwise as Chakotay barely contained his laughter. The flowing dress she wore did nothing to diminish her authoritative presence.

“Your accommodations will be here with me, pleasing me in any and every way you see fit. The term of service is eternity, give or take a few hundred Earth years or so.”

“Admiral,” he interrupted. “I will unconditionally give you all of the time that I have left.”

“Not good enough, Chakotay.” She dropped the ruse and rushed to stand in front of him once more, causing the skirt to hastily flow in an effort to keep up with her movements. Her brow was knitted together in what Chakotay could only interpret as concern. She reached for his hand and gently, but firmly held his aged fingers. Placing her left hand on his shoulder, she drew him close and rested her forehead on his.

At first, he was overcome, simply by the intoxicating feeling of Kathryn being so close to him again. His eyes closed and his heart rate increased. But as the pressure of the hand on his shoulder increased, a wave of energy moved through his body. The sensation wasn’t painful, but it was without a doubt, disconcerting, causing a pin-pricking sensation in its wake. He squeezed his eyes closed now as it spread through his arms and legs. He clung to Kathryn, subconsciously grappling for support.

_Not now. Please not now..._

The sensation spread to his head, causing him to cry in anguish.

The world went dark. And then, a soft light attempted to gain access to his closed eyes. Slowly, his lids fluttered open and Chakotay blinked to focus.

With his head cradled in her lap, he looked up to see the concerned face of Kathryn. She was watching him, and gently running her fingers through his short, dark hair. A slight sheen of tears were in her eyes and her voice wavered as her hand moved to delicately touch his face.

“Hi.”

“Kathryn.” With a surprisingly clear mind, he turned his head from side to side, surveying his surroundings.

“Am I dead?”

A strangled laugh escaped – along with a few tears.

“Oh, no.”

He looked at her for answers, but she simply smiled. He sat up, and her arms fell to her lap as she reluctantly abandoned the intimate position.

And then he stood – easily. He took a few unhindered steps and then turned back to her.

“What happened?”

He reached a hand down, encouraging her to stand by his side, but froze when he looked at his own fingers. His hands looked fifty years younger. Seeing his unease, she stood too.

“Do you remember the Srivani?” At his slight nod, she continued. “Despite the unforgivable experiments they performed on our crew, I spent many sleepless evenings studying the technology they ruthlessly subjected us to. It was actually the accelerated aging process that I found especially intriguing. What if it could be reversed – a fountain of youth? Eighty years, Chakotay. With an aging crew. Could we really ever sustain a voyage for nearly eighty years?”

She took a deep breath and walked away from him, nervously playing with her fingers as she did. “Their research was sound.”

Kathryn turned back to look as Chakotay settled again on the couch.

“After I left you that day, I was taken by Susperia to the Ocampan station. She, like her partner was dying, but the Q had intervened in her search for an equal. Q convinced her that I would be a suitable replacement – referencing my clear 'soft-spot' for the Ocampan people."

She took a deep breath. “I never really died all those years ago, Chakotay. If I had stayed on that cube for a millisecond longer, I quite surely, would have.” She turned her head slightly and her voice became haunted. “And having done what I did as queen, I was more than ready for death.” She took a breath and continued. “I was led to believe that I did, in fact die until Susperia appeared on the Bridge…and everything…clicked.

Kathryn walked back, sitting down with a respectable distance between them.

“The near-death experience enabled me to gain a small sample of Susperia’s abilities which are primarily derived from a form of mental freedom. Her race is far different from our own, granted, but humanity’s cranial abilities are self-imposed limitations. We could be capable of so much more.”

She paused to look into his eyes. “With significant concentration, I was able to learn to manipulate matter on a sub-atomic level.” She looked away again and shook her head. “A dangerously frightening ability. I was terrified at the beginning – that I could do something so catastrophic that...”

“You’re not Susperia, Kathryn.”

She looked at him again and gently squeezed his fingers and smiled in thanks. “I know. But I stepped out of a leadership role just as soon as I felt I could. The Ocampan are an intelligent, resilient race. They can take care of themselves. No one person should hold that power. The abilities allowed me to help them locate and colonize this world.”

“…but reversing our age?”

“I didn’t think that was too much of a big deal. Do you?”

“Forever?”

“To be honest, I didn’t think it that far through.” She stood and walked away from him to gaze at the horizon once again. "All I know is as long as the Ocampan need me, I need to be here for them. And for however long that may be…I’ll need you.”

He rose to join her, gently placing his fingers first on her hips, and then completely embracing her from behind. She shivered slightly as she exhaled.

“This, right here with you, is where I want to be, Kathryn. This is where I belong.”

She relaxed further into his embrace and rested her head back onto his left shoulder. His arms tightened as he pulled her back into his warmth. Chakotay smiled and bent his head, to kiss her neck.

“All those years, Chakotay,” she whispered dreamily. “When we were begging for dilithium and fighting for our lives…I pictured this.”

He decided he didn't particularly want to stop kissing her neck, and laughed without being deterred from his attention to the spot just below her ear. His fingers moved to gently trace the length of her still-folded arms.

“Well, not exactly this. But...” Kathryn sighed, temporarily forgetting what she was saying. “You holding me like this – it was as much a guiding beacon as the promise of Earth.” She turned in his arms with tears in her eyes. “Chakotay, I have loved you for so long.”

He tucked her head under his chin, pulling her close.

“It took a little time, but we have eternity.”

She reached her lips up to kiss his neck. “So how should we spend all this time we suddenly have together?”

“Hmm…let me see. You reversed the aging process for every…part of me?”

Still locked in his embrace she threw her head back and laughed. “Every part.” Kathryn resumed her kisses as she seductively rubbed up against him. 

“Then, it seems to me that we don’t have time to lose.”

They kissed, forever sealing their Destiny.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on another site ten years ago. ...I finally finished it. (Ugh, so sorry.) There was something called the "Janeway Lives" challenge way back then. I wrote this before "Full Circle" was released, so if there are similarities, they are purely coincidental. Clearly, I took it in a very different direction. All mistakes are my own. Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
